New Blog

P.S.  Life has changed for me, and so has my blog.  Check it out.
http://kjyinshipshe.blogspot.com/

...sun sets and end credits role...

Jamming to some dance tunes.  Sweating my butt off as I finish packing and I'm pretty sure if my mother saw my pack job, she'd be very disappointed in me.  HAHA  But really, with in the last five years, this is the worst packing job I've ever done.  

Anyways moving on, my time here in Baltimore has come to an end.  It's hard to believe.  I reflect and think about my time here and I almost don't want to leave, but yet I must.  I must move on and find something new to challenge myself with.  Yup....I MUST!!!

Today was a wonderful, beautiful day, except for this morning when I was rudely awaken by thunder and lightening and rain shower then I was wringing with sweat because I became soooo hot.  After I gave up on the sleeping thing, I decided to just start packing.  So I packed for an hour then I had to make gifts and around noon I went and picked up Melissa at work and we headed out to Wal-mart and Chick-Fil-A.  Yum yum.  Then I had a wonderful afternoon with my good friend and co-worker Chris.

After dropping off Chris at the Metro, it hit me, I've finally said all my goodbyes, except for my housemates but that's it, I'm done!  It's hard to think about.  It's hard to think about the fact that I gave up the job that I know so well to someone else.  It's hard to not keep going back to say goodbye to people at Project PLASE.  As my housemate said it a few nights ago, "sometimes you just have to pull the band-aid off."  I want those feel good feelings to stay forever and never leave these people but yet I must move on.

Tonight was good closure.  The four of us went out to dinner and hung out with the few (just two) remaining LVCer's.  It felt like good closure as of right now and I've received the best gifts ever.  A journal and a book about MVS Baltimore.  Both necessary in life!!  

Well the band-aid is gone.  Time to move on and find a new adventure.  Who knows, maybe someday I'll return!!

Love from Baltimore (the final time)

Final Countdown (2 days = done at work, 4 days = leavin')

It hasn't sunk in yet.  I'm almost done here, then what?  Well, home of course.  I have no money to get by.  I've got a whole lot of nothing!  Check!

Tonight was one of the several farewell parties we've had and it began to sink in, I'm saying my goodbyes, and with some it's goodbyes for good and who knows when I"ll ever see them again.  Ugh....I got scared and then I could feel the tears begin to well up but not flow out.  (I was thankful for that, though I'm never ashamed of crying, usually)

It's just so hard to say goodbye to these people who had to become my family in such a short amount of time.  I've done the every two year thing and then I move on but one year is rough, actually really difficult, which sucks and very unexpected for me.

Who knew that the gypsy would find it difficult to move on after a year.  I should have just done another year, stuck around.  Now I play the "Well I could do this..." game.  No one wants to play that, I've made a good, healthy decision.  It was a good choice.  Very needed!

Well here's to my fellow volunteers and new Baltimore friends:
I've had the most wonderful year of meeting great new people, may not have spent enough time with them but now I know how to plan a better year.  I'll miss the co-workers who have shared with me about soooo much (life and social work).  I'll miss my new friends who went through this experience with me and may have experienced similar things, feelings, and thoughts.  And I appreciate the people who were there to listen to me and process life with me in this new year of growth as a true adult no in the college bubble anymore.  Thanks to all of you who loved and cared and laughed when I needed it the most.  You are all a true blessing!

Love

After my arrival to the Hoosier State....

I hope to:

1. Become an excellent line dancer.
2. Make a few new friends.
3. Get to know a few old friends as well.
4. Visit as many of my friends as possible.
5. Find a job that applies to Social Work.
6. Discover many things that I've never known about Northern Indiana.
7. Find a favorite spot.
8. Find lots of free things to do.
9. Feel comfortable with my choices.
10. Be open to new possibilities.
11. Still find spontaneity in life.
12. Keep challenging myself and find others to keep me on track as well.
13. Visit Harrisonburg every 2 months (hopefully, and no worries it would only be a quick weekend trip).
14. Babysit some cuties like cousin's and friend's children aka Sophia
15. Get a magazine subscription.
16. Find happiness in a church.

Thanks Ben M. for the inspiration.  Today at work, I was thinking about what he randomly told me before he left for a meeting, I know what I'm looking forward to but what do I want to DO and accomplish when I get back to Indiana?  This coming from a person (aka me) who's dreading the idea of going back home and of all places, Indiana.  It sounds so dreadful and awful...but of course it will be a good move for right now.  Hey, maybe my perspective on life will change once I return to the land of corn and beans.  Who knows...I'd like to keep my options open for sure.  And hopefully more will be added to the list, these are just a few things as of right now.


peace from baltimore

summer is in the air

As of late, life has been pretty busy.  Summer is officially here and now all I can think about is what's the next adventure of the month.  For about a month, I get to house sit for my host family who will be out on the west coast for a while.  I along with my housemates will hang out with 2 cats that shed like none other and a dog that sheds just as much but MORE and looks like a big, fuzzy bear that you just want to cuddle forever.

Like I said, life has been busy.  DC, Honfest, a wedding in middle of nowhere Ohio, NYC, and a fun jam session in the living room of RHHP.  July 4th weekend consists of relaxation and doing a whole lot of nothing except sleeping in and loving life!  And of course cookouts and Fireworks please!!  

My time here is quickly approaching it's end and I'm scared of not having the next step figured out.  It's a little nerve raking but of course it's my fault for slacking in that department, but life has been stressful as a volunteer as well (not just because of not being around, but also when I have the time I'm just pooped from other activities that I just want to kick back, relax, and do something mindless and nothing of importance).  That's the life of a volunteer:  hanging out, blogging, photos, and finding something free to do next.  

Highlights of NYC:  

Seeing The Empire State and Chrysler buildings (not sure why but I love looking at NYC's skyline because of them), walking the Brooklyn Bridge at night, walking around NYC at anytime in the evening because everything is still open, Chinatown and Little Italy, Rockefeller Center, and Central Park.

Next time, I'm in NYC:

Hang out in Central Park for much longer, (depending on when I go) go ice skating, go up the Empire State Building or Top of the Rock, check out Ellis Island, and hang in Coney Island.  Yeah we'll start there.

Welp gotta go get ready for the fireworks.  

Happy 4th!

Love from Baltimore

Antoinese Watkins

Ms. Toni Watkins
Man, she's another one of the most greatest woman I have met while working at Project PLASE.  She makes me feel like a grown up, I mean most of them do, but Toni truly makes me feel like an adult while we discuss politics of our small non-profit and complain about our feelings and how frustrated we are with different things in life.  I absolutely love this woman with all my heart and appreciate everything she has done for me.

Once again like many of the people I work with, they don't have much to offer and that's ok.  All I can ask for is a helping hand whenever I'm in need, and Toni is exactly that.  On many occasions I have gone to her for questions about what I'm suppose to do or not do,  what should they expect of me and what they shouldn't expect, and for a constant reminder like many give me, "You're just a volunteer."  (Yup, I get that a lot and I use it a lot also.  Bah ha ha)

Toni has been such a wonderful influence.  She's a strong woman going through her own struggles but yet knows how to serve others.  She knows how to be a friend.  She's my friend and I'm so proud of calling her that.

My favorite moments seem so little but just getting a hug from her makes my day.  It's always sincere and I know she really does care about me, she's happy to see me, or sad to see I'm leaving for the weekend.  She truly does express her feelings towards me and I love her to death!

Defining Moments

avoidance

There really isn't a lot to update on. Nothing exciting has really happened to me it seems like or at least nothing that's extremely exciting and news worthy to share. So I guess I'll just give a random quick update because I feel like I HAVE to write something.

-Work is still not the greatest and it almost feels worse. I am really glad that I am almost done.
-I went to Andrew and Erika's wedding last weekend in Ohio. Loved it and loved them. Congrats!
-I've been sooo close to home but yet not home several times in the last few months. BOO!
-I've been watching old episodes of The Office. They bring back good memories.
-I have really enjoyed getting to know some of my co-workers better.
-I wish I didn't feel depressed when I should be happy.
-I wish it wasn't so bloody hot outside or in my room.
-Summertime always makes me think of country music loud and windows rolled down, and maybe some Cowboy Up please. Maybe just more country folks in my life!
-I wish and desire more hugs. The more unexpected, the better! (Even if I'm hot and sweaty)
-Physically ready to be home home, but not mentally prepared yet.
-My new favorite co-worker who I need to write about but don't because of lack of motivation is Antoinese (Toni) Watkins. She listens to me complain. And constantly answers every ridiculous question I have because I don't really know what I'm doing at work.
-I think about home home more often because of Miss Kara Mishler. Love ya chica.
-There are certain events in life that I wish I could replay over and over again and Boulder, CO 2010 would totally be one of them.
-I've been told I get a queen size bed in my room here (for the next 1.5 months, yippee!

Welp, it's past my bedtime. I'm always tired and wake up at the crack of dawn because if I closed my curtains, my room would be even worse than it is now....boo!! Goodnight!
Love from Baltimore

new favorites

I Don't Feel It Anymore by William Fitzsimmons and Priscilla Ahn

Hello Seattle

So this one time, I went on two different trips in two weeks.  It was the greatest.  First was Colorado with Lindsey and MVS Retreat, then a week later, I went to Seattle.

My trip begins in the airport.  It was a crazy zoo while I sat there waiting for my stinking flight to leave.  There were people everywhere.  I should have taken a picture but it was just overwhelming.  I sat there and started reading but then I couldn't focus (yes I'm easily distracted by shiny things and constant people), so I decided to text and was texting my friend Lindz explaining my situation and how bored I was.  I also mentioned how I should do a scavenger hunt, so she quickly texts me "find a person with a mohawk, watch a couples interactions, and find 3 guys with a beard."  It took a while, but eventually found the 3 guys with beards, there were several couples interacting and I was lucky enough to even sit by one and on my flight back, they were on my plane again.  During that time when I couldn't find any of those people, I saw tons of Marines getting shipped out to somewhere in their white crisp uniforms, a pastor with the collar and all, a creepy guy walking back and forth checking out other women and he had a ring on his ring finger (tisk tisk), 2 dogs that were going to be carried on board a flight, a creepy kid who stared at me several different times at different places, and tons of other people.  It was quite the experience in itself.

After the long flight, I finally arrived in Seattle and randomly saw a friend from college in the airport.  I definitely wasn't expecting it.  But yet it was good and strange at the same time.  We finally got to the MVS house and ate, and went to bed.  I was pooped!  We woke up and checked out a local coffee shop and made our way down to downtown.  We checked out the market and then shopped til we dropped.

Pike Street Market

Miss Courtney, my friend, fellow MVSer

The Gum Wall

Beautiful flowers all over the market

Sunday, we checked out Folk Life and that was the defining moment for me.  After listening to all the stories Beth had about Seattle, the time that Courtney and I walked around that festival, Seattle was defined and portrayed all at once.  It was beautiful sight and absolutely amazing.  I loved every minute of it.  I may not be able to fully describe my thoughts out loud, but it was still great and amazing and I'm glad I got to go to Seattle that weekend or Seattle would have not been as great.

the Conjugal Visits

Monday we checked Gasworks Park and The Troll where they filmed a few scenes from 10 Things I Hate About You and then while we were there, we tried to figure out which house was filmed in the movie Sleepless In Seattle.  The view of the city was the greatest.  Then we made our way back to the city and went to the Space Needle, and thanks to Mama Yoder for letting us both go up, I got another spectacular view of the city and landscape.  Then late Monday evening, I made my way back to the East Coast for an early morning and work.  Boo!  It probably wasn't the wisest of decisions but yeah I did it, I'm crazy I know!  Well now I'll leave you with some lovely times in the wonderful city of Seattle.
Take care and Love from BMore

Some famous car wash with a pink elephant sign

Space Needle

Jimi Hendrix

The Troll

Court and I up on the Space Needle

The view

Lawrence Welks SNL Skit

No need to explain, Betty White was great on SNL and this one is probably one of my favorite ones right now.  Throw it on the ground is another good one too.  Gotta love SNL.

"Colorado Sunrise"

Boulder, CO

Me and Lindz

At the Rockies Game

Coors Field

Where I stayed at Rocky Mountain Mennonite Camp

Edelweiss

A view from the Top, didn't hike it but others did. Photo Credit Lindsey Reinford

My Buddies (Lindz, Ben, and I)

Not quite sure what we're doing

So I may or may not have had a lot of fun with some friends.  Thanks for a great week guys!  You're the greatest.

Safely in BMore

Mountains and Colorado

These 9 days have been the greatest 9 days of my whole year.  Yeah I went home for Christmas Break, but nothing can compare to this week.  I had the greatest time ever.  I met some new people and talked to old friends.  I caught up on life, and I completely ignored others.  I had a grand old time and I was perfectly fine with my decisions.  I didn't care.

We got back from retreat at Rocky Mountain Mennonite Camp today and I became acclimated to civilization again.  Having no cell phone reception made it difficult to function sometimes but it's ok, most of all my important people were in one place.  We had a great time, fellowshipping, discussing, and even realizing what we truly believe or maybe that was just me.  

This week, a lot opened my eyes.  I've considered having a series of blogs focusing on this one particular event in my life but it felt too overwhelming (or it may still happen).  I've realized so much about the Mennonite community.  FYI people, you can't change this stuff overnight.  And you people who aren't truly Mennonite, I don't think you truly understand, it's going to take a long time to change these people.  It can't happen in a matter of moments/minutes.  It's going to take time, maybe not until our generation becomes that age which sucks to say, but it may be the God's to Honest Truth.  It's a shit life, let's just be honest!!  I would love to change a Mennonite's viewpoint also, but I don't know when that will EVER happen, but I guess it's something that can be worked on.  Anyways, I don't know, I just know, that I wished it would happen but you can't exclude others who don't agree with what you believe in, what kind of Christian are you?  Hypocrite!!!!!!  (I might not have room to talk, but think about what you're talking about/doing, yeah I may be talking to you or I may not be.)

This week, a lot has ran through my mind.  Like even the simple definition that I have to explain a lot, what's a Mennonite? How do I even define it?  I don't know....we're pacifist?  We strive to live simply?  We're frugal?  Yes, all true, but what makes me a Mennonite?  I don't know.....tough question.  I'm not the hippie.  I don't always fit the stereotype of a typical Mennonite child.  But sometimes, I like to believe that I do.  Sometimes, I DO!!  I know, hard to believe but it's true, but I can't go too extreme, I've gone as far as the Chacos but thats it.  And the scariest part is that I know others who haven't gone that far, who haven't gone past the front door in a sense.  Those are the people that I'm scared to be around, will they challenge me to be the person I am?  Will I stick to my grounds of being the person I want to be?  

My challenge for the year I move home is staying true to myself, sticking up for what I believe but the true test will come when I have those discussions....scary!!

Well it's late, I should really sign off.  

And as for the evening,

Love from Boulder, Colorado (my new favorite place and a place I wish I would never have to leave)

"Let the Wild Rumpus Start" --Where The Wild Things Are

well I guess I'm a little late.  But this weekend was the start of my Away from Baltimore month:

April 30-May 1--Baltimore unit retreat, The Poconos
May 4-5--DC for the evening to hang with friends
May 7-8--Flower Mart in Mt. Vernon, come out and join us!
May 14-22--Colorado for Miss Lindsey and National Retreat
May 28-31--Seattle with Miss Courtney

Let the good times roll!  Can't wait!

Love from BMore or where ever I may be

(Pray for safe travels, Thanks!)

BOB

I don't usually ever write this much on one night but I'm feeling inspired.

The best part of Baltimore and many places may have it but here in Baltimore it's a big deal....the Best of Baltimore is everywhere.  Every place ever suggested to us is a Best of Baltimore something.  I listed one earlier tonight.  And now even the running joke among us VSers is that where ever we are going, even if it's Baskin Robin's, hopefully it's the Best in Baltimore for something here in BMore....I love it.  The link is located on my website pages on the right or right here.

Oh Balitmore, you are wonderful in your own special way!!
Lovin' from BMore

Sister Care

Last weekend, I went on Women's Retreat with North Baltimore Mennonite Church.  It was nice.  We went up Saturday morning and then returned Sunday afternoon.  I knew some of the ladies but I got to know more of them.  It was wonderful!  I really enjoyed it!  You can definitely tell the people who are interested in the church and those still trying to figure out how active they want to be, which is a fear of going back home to my home church, how much do I want to participate?  Anyways, that was a side note, but the weekend was good.

The topic was Sister Care and how we can support each other.  It was a time of vulnerability and a time of praise and a time of aloneness.  It was a time to express the real you to others who may not know you, that's what this weekend was all about.

Calling our giftedness

Attending, being present.

Resource sharing.

Encouraging.

This is what our conversations were based on.  I realized how happy I was to have the friends I have.  They are supportive and always there for me.  They help me grow and challenge me.  I only hope that I find more people like that.  (Shout Out to my lovely fellow VSers shown above love ya girls.  Thanks for a good year so far!)

Thanks ladies.
Love from BMore

Best Place to Buy Guns and a Snack: Lexington Market Utz Stand | Baltimore City Paper

Best Place to Buy Guns and a Snack: Lexington Market Utz Stand | Baltimore City Paper

This is where I live! How funny!!

A Lost for Words...Sometimes

What to write about....

The ice cream trucks are out and about with their Christmas songs and "Hello!  Woof Woof."  The sirens and buses are as loud as ever now that my windows are open 24/7 now.  It's annoying but nice!  I'm always tired.  I don't really know why.  I go to bed at a decent time, I think.  Who knows, I probably don't!!  I'm in love with the 80's.  Pandora has the best radio station in the world, Best of the 80s Reloaded!

Beth bought a frisbee, last night we played.  It was fun.  It has a blue light so in the darkness, it was a bit trippy, but totally fun!!  We even started making up rules for frisbeeing.  Rule #1 You must always be prepared and ready for the frisbee to return to you.  Rule #2 When the frisbee is heading toward your face, you must use two hands.  Of course for safety precautions.  These rules are being recorded in hopes of more frisbeeing action to come.  Thank you BA!

Also exciting news, we got our bikes.  I got my bike.  Did I mention we were getting free bikes from a guy from church?  How awesome is that?  I got a a free bike.  It's nice too!!  I'm stoked!!  Super excited about it all.  It's black and has a super comfy cushioned seat.  LOVE IT!!  And the best part about it all, we get to keep our bikes too!!  How great is that?  Once again....LOVE IT!!!!

A lot of the time all I can think about are the things I want to do while I'm still here in Baltimore.  So what do I want to do.....
1. I want to be better friends with one person in particular and get to know her more (Mrs. Brenna Beck).
2. I want to hang out with the LVCer's more or as much as possible.
3. Baseball games will be great this summer.  Can't wait!!
4. Keep my head in the game.  I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself.  I'm still in Baltimore, I need to remember that!  I need to focus on my community here.
These are just a few maybe i'll have more to add later, I'll keep you posted.

Well I'm very tired.  Maybe I should head to bed.  Today at work, I didn't do much but this evening my friend, Melissa Sikes, who went with me to China came up from Harrisonburg to visit me for the evening before I drop her off at the airport to go pick up her Baby!  Well I'm exhausted and must get some sleep. Peace for now.

Love from BMore

Iron & Wine - The Trapeze Swinger

My new favorite song. "remember me..."

Bobby

Today was one of those kind of days.  It felt pretty rough.  I was frustrated, overwhelmed, and wasn't really sitting at my desk today because I was trying to figure other stuff out.  Those types of days just kind of rock me and my foundation and I become unstable.  I get all flustered and tense.  That was how I was feeling all day really.  My morning already started out rough with a guy who wanted housing and was only hearing what he wanted to hear and not the full spectrum of what I had to say.  So right away, 9 am, I was already thrown off balance while trying not to cuss the poor man out.  I was pretty frustrated and began to rant to my nearby neighbor who tends to hear about many of my complaints, poor Millicent.  And then after that I began my call backs and figuring out what beds were available in the facilities and then I got stressed out with the amount of beds I had available.  Ugh....it's a never ending job it seems.  Then I went to counseling and expressed some of my emotions but there wasn't a lot there.  Just some loose ends that were slightly fraying but could easily be braided back together.  I wasn't completely falling apart.  Then I ran into a co-worker and we talked for a good thirty to forty five minutes.

Wow, in the midst of those few minutes that I got to spend with this man, I was blown away by his ability to share.  I don't know much about many of my co-workers, except the few who tell me the little details.  I ask little questions here and there to other co-workers but this man told me a lot.  It was a personal and a humbling experience.  For someone to open up to me like he did, I almost didn't know how to take it.  I loved it and it was just so special.  This man told me about how was an addict, and eventually got himself into PLASE.  And how he was living in the facility and then got his life back together.  He eventually got a job working there at Project PLASE and he's been there as a paid employee for 10 years and he did his internship there too for college.  Man, this man overcame some hard shit and I was so proud of him and I don't even know him that well.  It was all just very strange but beautiful at the same time.  I loved it!  He talked about life and how it's rough and how all someone can do is be supportive and show some tough love and eventually all can be good.  And just to think, this whole conversations started with, "how's your day Kristin?"  I got more than I was bargaining for. Thanks Bobby!

With that, and being big, bad me, I'll send you all some tough love to get your acts together and to motivate or to challenge yourself.

Love from BMore

Goodnight Noises Everywhere

I've rearranged my clothes in my dresser drawers and in my closets.  I'm listening to my new favorite song again (The Trapeze Swinger by Iron & Wine).  I still have two loads of laundry in the dryers.  I went shopping this afternoon.  I bought a few dresses.  I wish to wear dresses or skirts more often this year.  I need to start reading again.  I'm liking the warm weather that is heading our way.  I've heard more stuff is going on in our neighborhood which scares me, not good.  I'm ready to be done here, but sad I'll have to leave.  I hate that my legs haven't seen light for the last 5 months (or however many) because I'm too white.  I keep self diagnosing myself either with bipolar disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder (which I may have a bit of both, just not to the extreme).  Everyone I know is either getting engaged or are having babies.  Who does that?  I'm getting a free bike which I'm very excited about even though I may not express those feelings.  I wish I could sleep for hours and hours.  And I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow or finish my laundry tonight.  I wish I could just snap my fingers and it be done!  Unfortunately it's not, and I hear it calling my name even though I'm trying to avoid it.

Love from BMore

10 Things About Home

10 things to look forward to going home:

1. Hanging out with Kara and getting to know Erica better.
2. Babysitting Miss Sophia Marie Leaman.  Can't wait!
3. Getting more involved in Emma Mennonite Church
4. Maybe finding me a small group to chill with.
5. Steak and Shake Open Late!
6. Hacienda and ladies night
7. Feeling ok with not doing anything on a weekend or my day off.
8. visiting friends where ever they may be (Montana, Harrisonburg, Baltimore, or Prague
9. Close to Family again
10. I get to drive my own car again!!!!!

I needed another pick me up.  :D

Poopy diapers don't fly!

Tonight was great!  I got a good dose of flirting with children in for a while.  I met the cutest family ever, who I have actually not really met until tonight.  Their children stole my heart.  Thank you Stremmels!  So in the midst of sad, screaming, crying, laughing, playing, snotty-nosed children, the worst thing happened.  A child pooped their pants.  Ah....it was horrible.  It was the most traumatic thing that seemed to have happened to me in a while.  (I'd like to think since I didn't know the little girl very well that's why cleaning the child's bottom was so "painful")  While I was cleaning that child up, I realized, children with poopy pants are going to be a rough thing.  Of course I think my child will be different but what if it's not.  I hope who ever I marry can handle it.  Haha!  Anyways, I don't have any cute pictures of the new children tonight but one kid who has also stolen my heart is Mr. Adam Mast.  Here's a picture to prove how adorable he is.  We hung out tonight too!  Too cute!

Well I should get ready for bed, I still am working tomorrow.
Love from BMore

Happy List

I was reading someone's blog, and they had tons of lists from friends and other people who had lists upon lists of things that make them happy.  I need that.

10 things that make Kristin terribly happy:

1. Movies at the movie theater
2. Cherry Coke, it can always cure the pain.
3. old pictures
4. antiques that you know where it came from and has lots of meaning
5. sunshine
6. Volkswagen Beetles, one day I still hope to own one.
7. music because it can describe any mood or feeling
8. Driving around in the country with the windows down and blaring music
9. visiting friends in far distant places
10. flirting with little children, making them laugh, and feeling so young.

There's No Place Like Home?

Dear Friends,

Four months is all I have left in this city of Baltimore.  What will I accomplish in four months here?  What will I accomplish when I move home?  This may sound silly to many of you but I am really sad to be leaving a city I barely know and sad to be moving back home.  But please don't get me wrong, I'm excited, just very nervous of my next step in life and I wonder how long it will take me to enjoy it all again.  I'm not like most people.  I didn't find a job right away after college, I can't afford to find my own place to live when I don't even have the possibilities of a job right now.

I hate to say this also, but I'm dreading the move home.  I'm talking home, home.  I know my parents will be fine with whatever I end up doing as long as it's me trying to pay off my loans, but what I'm scared of the most is being stuck in Northern Indiana forever.  I'm scared I'm going to get stuck there and never be able to find that rabbit hole to get out.  I'm scared I'm going to fall into the trap of "what I'm suppose to be doing."  I'm scared forgetting what my goal in life is (whatever that goal may be).  I'm scared I won't be able to "be myself" and eventually give into the typical Northern Indiana/Topeka/Shipshewana lifestyle (not quite sure what I've stereotyped home as).

I just want to shout "HELLO PEOPLE, there is more to life than basketball (yes I do enjoy it).  There is more to life than looks, and who has the most money.  There is more to life than just throwing your money at a missionary saying here do something with it.  There are real people out there suffering, do something more.  Be personable.  I don't want to be fake again.  I don't want my looks to factor into everything I do.  Who cares what I'm wearing or not wearing.  Who cares that I'm comfortable instead of super dressed up and trying to impress everyone.  I don't want that to take over what I truly think.

I don't want to forget everything I've learned and figured out about myself from the last five years.  These last five years have been hard, not just educational but personally.  I learned so much about myself and what I believe.  I don't want to get back into the routine of life and not be around those life challenging friends.  I don't want to leave them or this other life I've created away from Northern Indiana.  I want to be me and not be judged and verbally torn down for my choices or what I believe and agree with.  I wish I could say that Northern Indiana or Shipshewana was going to be a "safe" place for me to be verbal and to express my feeling and opinions, but I just don't know what to believe anymore about that place.  I just don't know!

I'm scared!  I'm so scared that I could potentially cry just thinking about it all.  I'm scared of how life is going to be completely different, not just being officially disconnected with some people but a fear of an ending in my life.  Yes, I'm still young and there are many more adventures to be had, but with who and where?  Who are these new important people going to be?  What type of feelings will they share with me, or maybe they won't?  I don't want to be the odd ball with what I feel and think.  Is that me giving in then, to the social norm of things in Indiana?

So many feelings and emotions and I don't even know where to begin or how to begin to control them.  I can make all the lists in the entire world, but will that truly help me?  Will I truly be happy there?  How can I find happiness in where I go?

All of this is soo ironic and strange...approximately five years ago in August, the night before leaving for Hesston, I had my first, emotional break down of I can't do this!  I can't leave home!  I can't leave this!  Approximately five years later, I'm having the same emotional break down....I can't do this?  I can't go back home! I don't know where I truly belong.  But somehow in the midst of everything, I made it through five years ago, I guess I just have to look at it all in a new way.

Many may not understand my harsh feelings for home, but it's just not something I truly want right now, but unfortunately I can't make it on my own alone right now.  So, in hopes of making the best of the situation, I have created a list of things to accomplish or look forward to in the move home.  I hope I find that happiness somewhere again.

Sincerely,
Bawling in Baltimore

Plotting Peace

I'm sitting here, and I'm suppose to be reading for small group.  But I'm not!  Instead I just realized, I only have 4 full months left here in Baltimore.  It's starting to sink in right now as I'm thinking about it all.  I've met so many new, amazing, and wonderful people.  I wish my relationship would have turned into something more with certain people and I'm appreciative of how many of my relationships has turned out with others.  It's been a blessing and yet the most frustrating thing ever.  I've figured out what I like and don't like.  I have even seemed to figure out what I want for my life, or I have an idea of what I don't want.  Now to go from there.....what will my next journey be like?  Where will God lead me now?  What will happen?  I'm sure I'll fill you all in as my life unfolds.

I should get back to reading.
So for now.....love from Baltimore