Free

The holiday Christmas festivities are officially over.  It was great seeing family but now I'm ready to get back into routine of work and Baltimore again.  I didn't think I would say that but maybe it was because today I didn't do much but hang out at the house and try and clean my room.  Since I've been back, it looks like a tornado blew through in the dead of winter.  And along with all of that, I am deciding on what I want to take back to BMore or leave here.  


I've had enough of this thinking and reflecting.  It's time to just get back to life.  I may be switching jobs when I get back to work or doing something else at the same time.  I am really excited about what that may turn into but scared at the same time.  We'll see!  I know a lot about Project PLASE and Baltimore so that's great and an advantage for me.  So we'll see where the next road will lead.  


Well I need to get ready for hanging out with Kara tonight.  I'm excited just like old times movie and Hacienda!  I'll probably reflect more later but trying to find the right words is always hard.

Love from Shipshewana

Recent playlist for life:

"Free" by Zac Brown Band

"Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam

"The Space Between" by Dave Matthews Band

"Runaway" by Love and Theft

"TiK ToK" by Ke$ha

"Only You Can Love Me This Way" by Keith Urban

"Self Esteem" by Offspring

"Too Late" by M83

"In Like A Lion (Always Winter)" by Relient K

"Off I Go" by Greg Laswell

"Lovely Tonight" by Joshua Radin

"Brooklyn" by Wakey! Wakey!

"Your Love Is A Song" by Switchfoot

"Come Pick Me Up" by Zac Brown Band

"All For You" by Sister Hazel

Goal #1: Learn to Drink Coffee

Goal of the year has been accomplished already in the first four months.  I'm impressed with myself.  Yeah I've tried it before and slowly just forced myself to drink it.  Finally, I realized I need to stop spending my money on soda or pop so I need a new form of caffeine something cheaper, which leads to being forced to enjoy coffee.  I was basically desperate enough, I started with the crap stuff, work coffee.  Now I can handle almost anything, except for Amish straight up black coffee.  It still grosses me out but today was a first.  It unfortunately didn't help my tiredness.  Maybe next time!

17 Hours of Reflection

It began with me meeting Bob (I believe that was his name) who later kept repeating to me, "Now you'll get to tell your parents you sat next to a guy who looked like Santa Clause."  I didn't have the heart to tell him, I never believed in Santa Clause and I didn't really care.  He even made the mistake of talking to me too many times in the wee hours of the morning after I had just woken up after only sleeping for a few hours and then couldn't fall back a sleep.  Of course, we get right onto the Amtrack and begin talking and giving certain details of our lives. What I do, where I'm living, yada yada.  I of course ask what he does, he says, "Well he doesn't really work, I admit I gamble a lot.  But not enough that I have a problem.  I'm pretty good at it.  I know what I'm doing."  He explains more.  He goes on to tell me that he's just taking the train to Toledo (getting there in the morning also) then return to Baltimore later that same night.  Crazy right...all to just collect some money.  Weird!  After hearing that, I most definitely didn't pursue any more questions in fear of who really knew what else was going to come out of his mouth.  We sat there for a while, then some guy who looks like the blonde guy from Wayne's World came in playing some strange tunes about trains.  He was quite a strange one.

Time to reflect....that's all I could do.  All I could do is to think about my time in VS.  Is it what I had hoped it was suppose to be?  Am I experiencing my time to the fullest?  Is it everything I had wanted?  And now I am even asking

After watching a few hours of The Wire and eating, I decided I could try and fall asleep.  I went to my seat and hung out with my cool bench buddy, aka Santa Look-A-Like, talked and listened to my tunes, all the while trying to fall asleep.  When I was awake which was most of the time, he decided he should talk to me.  Wrong move.  I tried to be nice but no conversation with this guy was going to be good at 3 am after a total of 2 hours of sleeping and dozing in and out for about 3 hours.  Whatever.  Toledo came and he finally got off.  About 3 hours after he got off, it was my turn.  I got off the train to the bitter, cold Indiana weather.  Ah...Home!

Overall my Amtrack experience was ok.  It could have been better but o well.  The entire time though I did feel like i was on the set of White Christmas.  I should have started singing "Snow...It won't be long before we'll all be there with snow."

Last night (the 24th) my rents and I opened our presents.  That's tradition.  Make homemade pizza, open our presents, watch a movie or two, and then go to bed.  It's always perfect and I love every minute of it.  For a moment, I feel warm and fuzzy inside.  It's always just calm and perfect.  There's nothing else going on outside, it's just the three of us.  I enjoy that moment every year.  The mood just changes for approximately 15 or 20 minutes (depends on how much we give or how long it takes us).  Oh Christmas!

Today on Christmas, we had Christmas with my dad's side of the family.  The Yoder side is always interesting.  I always sit there and think, one day will I be sitting here with my boyfriend or husband and how awkward will this be for him or with him.  And every year, Grandma Yoder always makes us sing. I'm pretty sure it's not necessary but every year, we're all forced to sing whether we want to or not.  And every year, I think this sucks.  I hate singing.  But as soon we all start singing, I think this is beautiful.  Everyone sounds amazing, even though it's not the four part Mennonite harmony and everyone is trying, it sounds great.  I felt bad, today I was sitting there and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and imagine myself someplace else listening to the sounds, but when I would close my eyes I realized it looked like I was just sleeping, so I'd open my eyes again.  The music puts you in a trance and you just can't get enough.  Well I should get going.  More Christmas traditions.  Movie at 6.  I hope it's good.

Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday's (whatever floats your boat)

Love from Shipshe

Why Can't It Be Christmas All Year? --Rosie Thomas song

I'm finally excited about Christmas.  It's about time!!!  How exciting?  I'm listening to Christmas music and we decorated our Christmas tree and we even put up more Christmas lights in the hallway.  It's wonderful!  So at this moment, everything is perfect and I wish it was Christmas time all year.

Holiday in the city:

Down in Federal Hill

Washington Monument lighting and same night Beth was on the News Channel 11 at 11 pm. I watched it!

Friday, we checked out Hampden and saw where Father Christmas threw up.  34th Street in Hampden.

 

 The Volunteers of Baltimore (meaning the LVCers, BVSers aka The Germans, and MVSers) threw a Christmas party.  We had fun activities like a Gingerbread house contest, play-doh ornaments, and even caroling.  For the Gingerbread house making, K Team (pictured below) made this beautiful gingerbread house (pictured above).  We won The Bomb Ass Shit Category and we even won overall as the best one out of all four made.  It represents Baltimore because it's a rowhouse gingerbread house.  It was pretty creative.  Anyways, that's Kirsten and I showing off our prize (magic felt heart wand) and awesome house.

Last of all is our beautiful Christmas Tree, I decorated.  It's pretty ghetto (I know Beth, you don't like that word but oh well).  It looks good in the dark but not in the light.  HAHA  Anyways, "may your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmases be white."

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Love from BMore

Baltimore Police

Tonight Melissa and I had a nice adventure.  Maybe nice isn't the right word.  Anyways, we're walking home from work.  We stopped by the thrift store on North Ave.  We were done and started walking back, took a right up Linden Ave, walked past the shady corner with drug deals etc and right in front of the elementary school, I saw a car pull up, stop and a man get out of his vehicle.  He says something and then all of a sudden pulls out his badge and says "Baltimore Police."  What am I suppose to do now?  I freeze a little and get nervous.  Then he precedes to ask, where you ladies headed?  Of course we're heading home.  We've walked this street everyday for the past four months.  We tell him where we live and then he says, I can take you home.  Both Melissa and I are a little apprehensive about this because who rides in cars with strangers...evidently we do now, but he was legit in the end.  I felt pretty safe.  He asked what brought us to Baltimore, where we're from, laughed or smirked at us several times, and still somehow made me feel like I was stupid and incompetent to live in a city or "the Ghetto of the East Coast" (aka BMore) as the officer put it.  But still, it was just so random.  And now looking back, I would ask him what possessed him to stop and ask us what we were doing or where we were heading? 

Lately our neighborhood has gotten a bit more shadier, in the dark.  I've noticed more drug deals, and actually last Monday (Nov 30) there was a murder literally 2 blocks from our house.  Scary!  That was the day I was sick so I heard the sirens and saw commotion.  Life is just crazy sometimes.  You never know what's going to get thrown at you.  Anyways, that's my random story. 

Thank you officer for looking out for me.  I appreciate it.

Love from BMore

what gives them the right?

Right now, I'm sitting in my office at work frustrated and disappointed like always.  What gives a person the right to tell me that I'm insensitive?  Someone I am pretty sure I've never met or have talked to in my whole life was talking about me and how I'm not doing my job.  What in the world?

Here's the situation:
A client wanted to see his case manager but didn't know her name.  So he was trying to name a lot of different names and got directed to me, granted he was in the office up front, so I walked over and talked to him.  He asks do I remember him, of course I don't because I see and talk to at least 20 plus people everyday, and they aren't the same consecutive people everyday.  This lady sitting across from the client, said "that's sad that she doesn't even remember you."  And basically after that she began complaining and dissing the whole idea of social work and "The System".  Of course I hate it all too but what the heck, her whole conversation started because I couldn't remember 1 person. 

1.  She doesn't know me.  She doesn't know my job evidently.
2.  Me insensitive.  Obviously if you know me or if I've cried to you about something, I'm far beyond that and I know.  This is coming from the social worker with a BSW who cries after talking to clients who she can't help.  Who feels guilty for only being able to give phone numbers and then saying call me if you need more resources or if I can try and help in some other way. 
3.  After working here for only about 5 months, I've decided I hate working with the homeless because I can't do anything for them except try, then try again. And sometimes, they come calling for help and leave.  Why do I even try then?

So what gives this lady the right to judge me and critize me.  BAH!!!!!!!!  This world is messed up and it needs to change but how?  I'm only one person.  What can I honestly do?  There's too much......   For me what it all comes down to is, I hate this world and I hate the system.  It's all F-ed up!!  F it all!!

Infection of the Head

For the past week, I've have this horrible sinus junk going on in my head.  It's the worse ever.  First I had a temperature, which created a sore throat, it was horrible to swallow.  Then led to my right eye pussing or some sort of mucus coming out of it the next night.  The night after that lead to the left eye doing the same thing.  Then the next couple of nights, things progressively got worse but not horribly worse, I could still function.  Then came Sunday evening and I wanted to die.  Yup, I had the worse ear ache in my entire life.  I don't think I've ever remembered having ear aches or anything.  And I even have one tonight.  It's the worse feeling ever.  I absolutely hate it.  I hate being sick.  I ended up not going to work on Monday cuz I felt like shit and so I slept and went to a minute clinic to some random lady doctor who was a strange women with a thick East Coast accent.  It was all just strange.  And now I'm taking an antibiotic, putting eye drops in my not so red eyes anymore, sniffing a weird concoction of warm water, salt, and baking soda (strange once again), drinking lots of tea and water, trying to blow the mucus out, and trying to figure out a way to drain my ear without cutting it off or poking a hole or two into my head to clear the pressure.  Yup that's what I'd rather do.  Life might be better (but very painful I'm sure).  Now you understand the title of this entry.  It's a rough life being allergic to Baltimore (at least I'm pretty sure I am).

Well other than my current state of mind, life here hasn't been too eventful.  Just got back from Harrisonburg and wonderful Thanksgiving (pry the best in years).  All I've been doing is nothing and sitting in my room, listening to music and doing absolutely nothing.  I love it, not doing anything but lately I've realized, I need to be motivated.  I need to be busy.  But at the same time, I just enjoy doing nothing and just being.  So I'm stuck, what do I do?

I've thought about volunteering at an after school program literally a block away from where I live which would be good to get to know the community better.  I really want to get more involved in North Baltimore Mennonite Church but in a subtle, I'm sort of around but not fully committed way. Maybe I should work with the youth or children? Also getting involved with the small group that meets on Tuesday's evening.  I'd enjoy getting to know that group better.  Another new idea and basically it just takes the effort, I would like to learn a lot more about the HIV/AIDS community.  As a social worker, it's something I've been enjoying as I've talked to many case workers who work with this population on a daily basis.  Just getting out more in the evenings is a must like getting coffee with friends or just hanging out with others more.  I need to be that social butterfly that I know I am inside.  And last of all, I need to get more involved with Project PLASE, unfortunately a lot of the events that I wouldn't mind doing are while I'm doing something else.  Like there's a telethon that I could have helped at but we have the DC/BMore Christmas Party.  Can't do.  Makes me sad.  I heard I even have to miss the staff Christmas Party because I'll be in PA for the Crissman Wedding, that makes me sad too but I'm going to have fun anyways!!

So the real question is where is my fire?  I need a spark to get it going and that spark just isn't there.  I blame it on the depressed feelings and the short days.  Yup!  I hate winter because of that but can't wait for the first snow.

Basically now, I'm counting the days until I get to go home for one and half weeks.  I'm so excited and have so much I want to do.  I hope I can do it all.  That seems to be typical me, I probably will only do the bare minimum of everything I want to do, meaning, I might do like 3 things the rest of the time, I'll hang with the rents and watch movies, doing things on the internet, avoid the rents for a while, and then eventually find the friends I want to hang out with in the last 4 days I'm home because I was too lazy to pick up my phone and call them.  Yup once again that's what I do.  Oh life!

I'm pretty sure every time I write an entry, I always think I have nothing to write and then I just go on forever and then it gets too long.  So I'll end with some Thanksgiving Day pictures.  Enjoy!  Sorry for the length.

The Spread

Love from BMore!