Going Out With My Boots On

Music is such great therapy. It's always there for you and it's just down right relaxing. It puts you in whatever mood you want to be in. It just makes you move inside and out. It can describe you. It is just the best stuff ever! Ahh.....

Tonight I've got a feeling it's going to be a good good night. I'm excited we're going to Cowboy Up again. Ah...it's the best time ever. It's great to hang out with people who I don't know really well and can just have a grand old time with. It's so much fun!! But unfortunately because I'm leaving for Baltimore, I won't be able to go much anymore. I guess we'll just have to make it all up when I get back. I think I would stick around Indiana just to hang out with these people. They're amazing and so much fun. They made my last month at home absolutely amazing and so much fun!! It just makes me not want to leave. Oh well....they'll be more opportunities. :D

So yeah there hasn't been much of anything going on here. It's been pretty boring. Just chilling, listening to music, reading books, or watching Friends (cuz I don't seem to have too many). It's all good though. Almost the end of a good summer. 2 weeks, Let the countdown begin.

:: Dream ::

"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest swing. I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream That I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream.
Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream." --Dream by Priscilla Ahn

Tonight it just hit me...I'm alone. All my friends are getting married or are married. How strange? And here I am somewhat content with just living my life single and free. I have plans. I have things I would love to do. I know things but yet in the midst of all these great things, I can't find happiness when I look all over Facebook and see all those friends getting married or their wedding pictures. Don't get me wrong, they are gorgeous pictures and I'm so happy for them but why can't i just be happy? Why do I feel like I have to have these things too (marriage, a special someone)? But I don't, right?

This song somehow just spoke to me. "Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep." It's all in God's hands. I keep playing the song over and over and it just makes me happy. I have a dream. I will one day achieve those dreams.

At the end of the song it says, "Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream." I want that. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to enjoy everything about it. And that means I should be excited about spending the weekend with my cousins and their kids at the lake and I will be happy. That isn't me forcing myself to be happy, I truly am excited about it, but sad I don't get to hang out with friends before one of my last weekends home. But I just want to find that happiness. I know I'm happy and satisfied but I want to truly be happy and satisfied with life. I wish I could just know one thing in my life. Knowing if I'd be happy would be the one thing I'd like to know. But of course, I can't know any or all of that.

In actuality, I guess this whole sob story of a post has to do with missing friends. I miss them. None of them seem to be near and it's frustrating and when they are, we're all too busy, too exhausted, or just to dang worried about other things. I understand, I do it to. And of course on top of all of that, I'm worried about leaving and not seeing some people for at least four months or even more.

God give me strength. Give me courage. Give me peace of mind it will be just fine.

"but for a moment she isn't scared"

Here I am sitting thinking I should just go to bed but I can't. Who knows why? Anyways, quick update on life. On Tuesday late Wednesday evening, I returned from a wonderful time in California for Kim and Eric's California Reception. It was just absolutely amazing. It was relaxing and just so much fun. We hung out, went wine tasting, went to Sky High (big trampoline place), visited San Francisco, and had so much fun! Even though the traveling was a pain in the butt, it was great overall. It was great to just relax and do nothing. Yup...GREAT!!


Now I'm just stressing and freaking out a little about all this adult stuff I have to start dealing with like loans and figuring out what's going to happen in Baltimore. I'm really nervous about it all. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. I feel like I'm starting at Hesston all over again. Those feelings are all returning to me again and those were scary feelings four years ago. But good thing I've had some experience with leaving and starting somewhere new, that's somewhat comforting. I just feel like giving it all up. Just not even worrying about it all but yet I know I can't do that. Ahh it's just too much right now.

Right now, I just need to think about the here and now. This coming weekend is the lake with the fam bam! I'm excited. It better be lots of fun!!