There is only thing that can seems to describe every feeling in the last 5 minutes of my life and it's called the Glee Volume 1 Soundtrack. Not only do I have my problems to worry about I'm thinking about my friends and the things they are dealing with, many situations are similar and my heart just aches and goes out to them. I wish life could just be like college and I could just go and sit in their rooms and just talk about my day or my life and their lives and just be filled with their presence and be happy. That's all I want in life.
I never realized how post-college is rough until this very moment. I wish I had all my friends at my fingertips...but they aren't there. This year has taken a toll on me and I find it difficult but yet know that I could move on from the past. I can move on and meet new people and start over. It's hard to do but I know it's possible. I mean honestly, I did it. Read my blog from yesterday. It's possible! Now I just need to think those positive thoughts.
Something to look forward to, Baltimore MVS Retreat is this coming weekend. It's going to be a good time, nice and relaxing! With lots of food!
Love from BMore
Sunday, January 31, 2010
one of those nights...update 1.31
I'm sitting in my room after a pretty good weekend. Friday evening the four of us volunteers had a wonderful time with a couple from church. We hung out with them along with one of their housemates. It was a lot of fun. Kristy and I set up everything and it was all on pretty short notice but everyone had a good time. I had a moment that night. I'm sure some of my housemates were thinking "Man I could be doing better things. I don't want to be here." But in the end, they were all really happy about everything happened. They had a good time and I'm glad that everyone enjoyed themselves. I only know the couple from church and so it was great too for others to hang out with them and realize how awesome they are too. Anyways, I'm proud of myself (yes that's me boasting) because I think people were apprehensive about hanging out with them and it turns out everyone loved them even though they may have only met them once before.
Tonight, we had another fun time. We went over to the LVCers house and celebrated Caitlin's birthday. She's such an awesome person. She made pierogi's (which are like dumplings) and this too die for Chocolate Caramel cake (it was better than Better Than Sex Cake). She's a baker and loves cooking! It was ah-mazing....she did a wonderful job. And it was a lot of fun to hang out with them again. Some days when I'm hanging out with them, I remove myself from them because there are too many people when we're all together. It becomes too much, every time we're together, it's a good time. So we ate, watched a movie, and then played Trivial Pursuit. That was my evening, but this afternoon was eventful also, Beth got a tattoo. It was exciting! Along with all of that, it snowed!
I forgot how much I love the snow. I love driving in it but if I really had the option I wouldn't go anywhere. I wouldn't do anything. I would just sing in my room or living room or where ever the heck I want and just sit in the warmth and just be. Watch a movie, or just chill. That's what I would have done. That would have been wonderful but I had a pretty eventful day, it was good. It was good to just get out and about.
As for work, well I'm still having my rough days. I try to do my best but some days I think I'm not doing a good job at all. Ugh....pressure and stress!!! It's too much and what sucks the most is that I'm just a volunteer. Boo!!!!
One thing which I'm very excited for is......Lost returns. Life will be complete after this season begins and is over. I can not wait! It's going to be the time ever. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!
I also began the job search. What to do next in life? Where to go etc etc...still thinking about that. I found lots of job places here in BMore, I also have a potential place to stay but most definitely can not afford it so something else would most likely have to be figured out. We'll see!! But I might have worked out something back home for housing instead of living at home. That's exciting but no job ideas yet there. Still searching......
Well it's late. I'm tired. I need sleep. Check.
Love from BMore <3
Tonight, we had another fun time. We went over to the LVCers house and celebrated Caitlin's birthday. She's such an awesome person. She made pierogi's (which are like dumplings) and this too die for Chocolate Caramel cake (it was better than Better Than Sex Cake). She's a baker and loves cooking! It was ah-mazing....she did a wonderful job. And it was a lot of fun to hang out with them again. Some days when I'm hanging out with them, I remove myself from them because there are too many people when we're all together. It becomes too much, every time we're together, it's a good time. So we ate, watched a movie, and then played Trivial Pursuit. That was my evening, but this afternoon was eventful also, Beth got a tattoo. It was exciting! Along with all of that, it snowed!
I forgot how much I love the snow. I love driving in it but if I really had the option I wouldn't go anywhere. I wouldn't do anything. I would just sing in my room or living room or where ever the heck I want and just sit in the warmth and just be. Watch a movie, or just chill. That's what I would have done. That would have been wonderful but I had a pretty eventful day, it was good. It was good to just get out and about.
As for work, well I'm still having my rough days. I try to do my best but some days I think I'm not doing a good job at all. Ugh....pressure and stress!!! It's too much and what sucks the most is that I'm just a volunteer. Boo!!!!
One thing which I'm very excited for is......Lost returns. Life will be complete after this season begins and is over. I can not wait! It's going to be the time ever. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!
I also began the job search. What to do next in life? Where to go etc etc...still thinking about that. I found lots of job places here in BMore, I also have a potential place to stay but most definitely can not afford it so something else would most likely have to be figured out. We'll see!! But I might have worked out something back home for housing instead of living at home. That's exciting but no job ideas yet there. Still searching......
Well it's late. I'm tired. I need sleep. Check.
Love from BMore <3
Sunday, January 24, 2010
SUNFLOWERS
According to my housemate, my vibe (everyone has one as well as an animal essence, I don't know that one yet) is a sunflower.
"Kind of country, but very versetille at the same time. All types of people like sunflowers. They are sweet and bold all at once. They are tall and bright colors. They bring beauty to unexpected places (example: sunflowers grow in Kansas and South Dakota- beauty in the unexpected" --BA
It feels so true. My vibe is so sunflowers. I wish I had the gift of determining what vibes people give off (ok it probably isn't that big of a job but it would lots of fun).
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
< > You Make My Dreams < >
I am thankful for.....
1. my new friends.
2. Baltimore for reminding me I am very country.
3. great role models that are placed in my life.
4. old friendships.
5. great music for the cheap therapy.
1. my new friends.
2. Baltimore for reminding me I am very country.
3. great role models that are placed in my life.
4. old friendships.
5. great music for the cheap therapy.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Life: "It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song"
I always start a blog but never know what to write. I have too much running through my head. So here you go, after I've regurgitated it in my head for several weeks and now I vomit it up just for you (great visual I'm sure).
1. I watched American Beauty this afternoon. Loved it. I need to be a happier person in life.
2. Just came back from a great weekend with friends in DC. I met Kim and Eric at Kim's Uncle's house and he was so hospitable. Every time I'm not around Kim and Eric for too long I forget how great they are but as soon as we start hanging out again, it all comes back and then I'm so proud of them even in the midst of our stupidity and silliness. I love them. So basically my weekend or two evenings and three days excursion to DC involved the basics: lots of laughing, wine, more laughing, deep discussions, awkward moments, more wine, a tarten or two (or Salten as Kim liked to call it), and the obvious two against one Kim and I always won (poor Eric).
4. The unit went to the National Aquarium with a family from church. It was a great time. And I had the opportunity to work on my New Year's Resolution....flirting with children.
5. I've been thinking about a lot of other different things too...
Who am I? Sometimes I think I change who I am for certain people. And sometimes I am not who I truly am in fear of someone getting upset with me and telling me their thoughts are the only right thing in the world. I don't like dealing with those people. They annoy me. Then I question, what's my purpose in Baltimore? I'm still working this one out. Yeah I know, I'm here to work at Project PLASE and I'm trying to help the homeless, but there's more. Then I always question, why did I choose Baltimore? In the end, I'm so happy with the people I've met and the friend's I've made. They are awesome, great people. So what do I want in life? Why am I not satisfied? And how can I be satisfied? I need all of these things to make my life happier that's for sure. I need more of others in my life and less of that other junk that doesn't make me happy. And the last thing I constantly think about of course, what do I do next? Where do I go from here?
6. I had the greatest conversation that made me so happy. DC recognizes same sex marriages and we talked with Jon about it and it was beautiful to hear him talk about how they will probably have a ceremony, eventually. I am sooo happy for them. Jon and Christian, even though I haven't known them for very long, have been very influential in my life and in my thoughts. I never thought about the LGBT community until I met them and now I feel more connected. They truly are beautiful and I'm truly blessed to have them in my life.
7. New thoughts of next move...West of the Mississippi River but definitely not St. Louis too much like BMore.
9. These are some of the ladies I work with. And I love all these ladies that I get to work with. They are absolutely amazing women and such role models and hilarious!! (Dora, Erica, & Barbara)
Well I should go. Stop singing my songs. Clean my room. Think about tomorrow. And think about my food. What do I even eat? Keep the prayers flowing as I'm still struggling with a lot of things and just thinking about too much. Thanks for the love too.
Love from BMore
1. I watched American Beauty this afternoon. Loved it. I need to be a happier person in life.
2. Just came back from a great weekend with friends in DC. I met Kim and Eric at Kim's Uncle's house and he was so hospitable. Every time I'm not around Kim and Eric for too long I forget how great they are but as soon as we start hanging out again, it all comes back and then I'm so proud of them even in the midst of our stupidity and silliness. I love them. So basically my weekend or two evenings and three days excursion to DC involved the basics: lots of laughing, wine, more laughing, deep discussions, awkward moments, more wine, a tarten or two (or Salten as Kim liked to call it), and the obvious two against one Kim and I always won (poor Eric).
Highlights of the trip: 1. Saw DC or the Monuments lite up. Beautiful! 2. Finally saw the Jefferson Memorial. Never been to it before. 3. Even though I couldn't see it very well, saw a live performance, art show opening. It was suppose to be like a Snowglobe and had ballet dancers. It was cool! 4. Ate a flaming fish. It wasnt flaming when I ate it but before it was. 5. Ate Turkish food. That was new and exciting. Very delicious! 6. Saw good friends. Laughed with them. Made awkward, funny jokes. Still love them.
3. Music is Love:
Far by Regina Spektor ---> Great new cd I've come to love.
Breakup by Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johannson ---> Another new cd I love.
5. I've been thinking about a lot of other different things too...
Who am I? Sometimes I think I change who I am for certain people. And sometimes I am not who I truly am in fear of someone getting upset with me and telling me their thoughts are the only right thing in the world. I don't like dealing with those people. They annoy me. Then I question, what's my purpose in Baltimore? I'm still working this one out. Yeah I know, I'm here to work at Project PLASE and I'm trying to help the homeless, but there's more. Then I always question, why did I choose Baltimore? In the end, I'm so happy with the people I've met and the friend's I've made. They are awesome, great people. So what do I want in life? Why am I not satisfied? And how can I be satisfied? I need all of these things to make my life happier that's for sure. I need more of others in my life and less of that other junk that doesn't make me happy. And the last thing I constantly think about of course, what do I do next? Where do I go from here?
6. I had the greatest conversation that made me so happy. DC recognizes same sex marriages and we talked with Jon about it and it was beautiful to hear him talk about how they will probably have a ceremony, eventually. I am sooo happy for them. Jon and Christian, even though I haven't known them for very long, have been very influential in my life and in my thoughts. I never thought about the LGBT community until I met them and now I feel more connected. They truly are beautiful and I'm truly blessed to have them in my life.
7. New thoughts of next move...West of the Mississippi River but definitely not St. Louis too much like BMore.
8. And now I want a dog like this one. This is Nora. Isn't she a cutie? She's a golden retriever and fully of spunk and love.
9. These are some of the ladies I work with. And I love all these ladies that I get to work with. They are absolutely amazing women and such role models and hilarious!! (Dora, Erica, & Barbara)
Well I should go. Stop singing my songs. Clean my room. Think about tomorrow. And think about my food. What do I even eat? Keep the prayers flowing as I'm still struggling with a lot of things and just thinking about too much. Thanks for the love too.
Love from BMore
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Goal #2: Learn to not be scared
I've met some of the greatest people and a lot of those great people aren't scared to ask the scary, awkward questions in life. I admire them. I admire how they can be so bold and not care what others are thinking of them or they can just take the criticism. They have so much more strength and courage that I for some silly reason don't have. Strange! But anyways, I want to be able to ask those deep questions and ponder what I truly believe and is what I believe something I want to believe or just ingrained in me because that's what I've always been told to believe yada yada.
So the next goal I suppose is to not care so much about what people think of my thoughts. I should feel safe asking embarrassing questions in front of friends. They are my friends right. I shouldn't feel ashamed. I'll practice.
So the next goal I suppose is to not care so much about what people think of my thoughts. I should feel safe asking embarrassing questions in front of friends. They are my friends right. I shouldn't feel ashamed. I'll practice.
Friday, January 8, 2010
New Years Resolutions....
I don't really have any New Years resolutions but possibly....
1. expand my music collection
2. read more books.
3. not to be ashamed of country music in the city of Baltimore.
4. make more new friends.
5. find one thing I'll absolutely miss if and when I leave Baltimore.
6. (my personal fave thanks Beth) make more destructive decisions in life.
7. find ways to be more of a liberal Mennonite.
8. watch those movies I've always wanted to see but haven't seen yet (American Beauty, there are pry others but right now they aren't coming to my mind)
9. drink more coffee (cuz I do that now haha).
10. experience Baltimore.
11. experience life to the fullest.
12. give all I can give.
13. find happiness.
14. see God in the little and daily things in life.
15. be me and be comfortable.
16. flirt with more children (meaning talk it up with them like none other).
17. listen to more of The Avett Brothers.
...maybe I just shouldn't make any resolutions
1. expand my music collection
2. read more books.
3. not to be ashamed of country music in the city of Baltimore.
4. make more new friends.
5. find one thing I'll absolutely miss if and when I leave Baltimore.
6. (my personal fave thanks Beth) make more destructive decisions in life.
7. find ways to be more of a liberal Mennonite.
8. watch those movies I've always wanted to see but haven't seen yet (American Beauty, there are pry others but right now they aren't coming to my mind)
9. drink more coffee (cuz I do that now haha).
10. experience Baltimore.
11. experience life to the fullest.
12. give all I can give.
13. find happiness.
14. see God in the little and daily things in life.
15. be me and be comfortable.
16. flirt with more children (meaning talk it up with them like none other).
17. listen to more of The Avett Brothers.
...maybe I just shouldn't make any resolutions
Nora + Me
I'm dog sitting for this cute little pup named Nora. She's just so cute. Anyways, I'm having fun thinking about the future. Thinking about how eventually one day, I'll have my own place, a cute dog, and all 10 seasons of Friends. Ha the little things in life that I get enjoyment thinking about.
Anyways, life in Baltimore since I have been back has been okay. Nothing too exciting has happened in the first week just A LOT of thinking, over analyzing, and talking about my Christmas Vacation too many times. Vacation was great. I enjoyed being with family and seeing extended family. I enjoyed hanging out with friends. I enjoyed the movies, ugly sweaters or tree skirts, and CU. But now I'm back to routine and right about now is when I realize I don't want to be the adult or grown up that I always thought I wanted to be. Bah life!
Now I have to start thinking about what's next. Where do I go? Do I go home and live for free and start paying off loans? Eventually then find a cheap place to live to get out of the house? Do I go back to school and get my masters or do I stick around Baltimore and find something to do and someplace to live? Do I just find a job and get my license? Who really knows what I should be thinking about or doing? I most definitely have no clue.
Today was great, I talked with someone at work who I simply asked a question about LSW and LCSW (I didn't know what the difference was between them) . She was telling me what the difference was and what I should really be doing. Then she suggested making a pros and cons list of my different options. I never thought about that all but that's brilliant. So eventually one of these days, I need and want to sit down and looking over all my options and decide where or what I want to do next. I just keep putting that off just a bit longer. Right now I can only look at it one step at a time. First, VS. Then possibly 4 months of me looking for something new in my life. Where to begin?
Side note: Some days I wish I could truly write what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. That would be crazy I'm sure. I'm not one to offend people but I'm sure I would definitely offend one or two people that way. I'm not sure I would like that. I have a new friend here in Baltimore where his whole mission seems to be to offend as many people as much as possible. If they are going to act like they have a stick up their butt then why not make them feel uncomfortable or awkward. Ha thinking about that now cracks me up. He has great intentions if only he was different. Anyways, my new Baltimore friend has given me a new perspective on life as I sit here tonight thinking about my past week and the drama I seem to be caught up in. But of course my situation couldn't be fixed by his theory. I can't offend and feel good about myself, I can only sit around thinking about how I truly feel and what I truly want or wanted to say. Then I have to think to myself, what more would or could I possibly say. What more? And maybe I took or thought about a lot of things in different ways. Maybe my thoughts were just in the complete opposite directions? Maybe what I said was something completely different than what was expected? I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for anymore? I don't even know what to expect. I don't know anything it seems. All that I know is that there are a bajillion thoughts flying around and I don't even know how to start to put them all together. Where do I begin?
Well on that note, maybe I should sign off and begin gathering my notes or writing some other notes to others in far away towns. Laters from the Beck-Hostetter home!
Love from BMore
Anyways, life in Baltimore since I have been back has been okay. Nothing too exciting has happened in the first week just A LOT of thinking, over analyzing, and talking about my Christmas Vacation too many times. Vacation was great. I enjoyed being with family and seeing extended family. I enjoyed hanging out with friends. I enjoyed the movies, ugly sweaters or tree skirts, and CU. But now I'm back to routine and right about now is when I realize I don't want to be the adult or grown up that I always thought I wanted to be. Bah life!
Now I have to start thinking about what's next. Where do I go? Do I go home and live for free and start paying off loans? Eventually then find a cheap place to live to get out of the house? Do I go back to school and get my masters or do I stick around Baltimore and find something to do and someplace to live? Do I just find a job and get my license? Who really knows what I should be thinking about or doing? I most definitely have no clue.
Today was great, I talked with someone at work who I simply asked a question about LSW and LCSW (I didn't know what the difference was between them) . She was telling me what the difference was and what I should really be doing. Then she suggested making a pros and cons list of my different options. I never thought about that all but that's brilliant. So eventually one of these days, I need and want to sit down and looking over all my options and decide where or what I want to do next. I just keep putting that off just a bit longer. Right now I can only look at it one step at a time. First, VS. Then possibly 4 months of me looking for something new in my life. Where to begin?
Side note: Some days I wish I could truly write what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. That would be crazy I'm sure. I'm not one to offend people but I'm sure I would definitely offend one or two people that way. I'm not sure I would like that. I have a new friend here in Baltimore where his whole mission seems to be to offend as many people as much as possible. If they are going to act like they have a stick up their butt then why not make them feel uncomfortable or awkward. Ha thinking about that now cracks me up. He has great intentions if only he was different. Anyways, my new Baltimore friend has given me a new perspective on life as I sit here tonight thinking about my past week and the drama I seem to be caught up in. But of course my situation couldn't be fixed by his theory. I can't offend and feel good about myself, I can only sit around thinking about how I truly feel and what I truly want or wanted to say. Then I have to think to myself, what more would or could I possibly say. What more? And maybe I took or thought about a lot of things in different ways. Maybe my thoughts were just in the complete opposite directions? Maybe what I said was something completely different than what was expected? I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for anymore? I don't even know what to expect. I don't know anything it seems. All that I know is that there are a bajillion thoughts flying around and I don't even know how to start to put them all together. Where do I begin?
Well on that note, maybe I should sign off and begin gathering my notes or writing some other notes to others in far away towns. Laters from the Beck-Hostetter home!
Love from BMore
---------> Nora sends her love too.
or at least I'd like to think she would (she's pretty much asleep)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
REALIZATION
I realized tonight as I was sitting around telling my fellow Sunday School classmates about the drugs deals I see and non-nonchalantly mentioning the murder that occurred down the street that it doesn't phase me. That's scary. Things that crazy and out of control are scary and very real and here I am just walking past it. Here I am thinking I'm invincible when I should have open eyes. I should be aware of my thoughts and feelings. These are things to not take lightly but yet here I am just thinking about how it doesn't seem to bother me. I'm just rolling with the punches. I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing though right? "I don't see anything going on." I didn't see that drug transaction happen. I don't see that guy walking away counting his wad of cash. I didn't see them hug and exchange whatever they had in their hands. Nope....didn't see anything. What kind of messed up world do I live in? What should I truly be thinking? How should I truly be acting? What am I suppose to do about it? What?
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