Happy List

I was reading someone's blog, and they had tons of lists from friends and other people who had lists upon lists of things that make them happy.  I need that.

10 things that make Kristin terribly happy:

1. Movies at the movie theater
2. Cherry Coke, it can always cure the pain.
3. old pictures
4. antiques that you know where it came from and has lots of meaning
5. sunshine
6. Volkswagen Beetles, one day I still hope to own one.
7. music because it can describe any mood or feeling
8. Driving around in the country with the windows down and blaring music
9. visiting friends in far distant places
10. flirting with little children, making them laugh, and feeling so young.

There's No Place Like Home?

Dear Friends,

Four months is all I have left in this city of Baltimore.  What will I accomplish in four months here?  What will I accomplish when I move home?  This may sound silly to many of you but I am really sad to be leaving a city I barely know and sad to be moving back home.  But please don't get me wrong, I'm excited, just very nervous of my next step in life and I wonder how long it will take me to enjoy it all again.  I'm not like most people.  I didn't find a job right away after college, I can't afford to find my own place to live when I don't even have the possibilities of a job right now.

I hate to say this also, but I'm dreading the move home.  I'm talking home, home.  I know my parents will be fine with whatever I end up doing as long as it's me trying to pay off my loans, but what I'm scared of the most is being stuck in Northern Indiana forever.  I'm scared I'm going to get stuck there and never be able to find that rabbit hole to get out.  I'm scared I'm going to fall into the trap of "what I'm suppose to be doing."  I'm scared forgetting what my goal in life is (whatever that goal may be).  I'm scared I won't be able to "be myself" and eventually give into the typical Northern Indiana/Topeka/Shipshewana lifestyle (not quite sure what I've stereotyped home as).

I just want to shout "HELLO PEOPLE, there is more to life than basketball (yes I do enjoy it).  There is more to life than looks, and who has the most money.  There is more to life than just throwing your money at a missionary saying here do something with it.  There are real people out there suffering, do something more.  Be personable.  I don't want to be fake again.  I don't want my looks to factor into everything I do.  Who cares what I'm wearing or not wearing.  Who cares that I'm comfortable instead of super dressed up and trying to impress everyone.  I don't want that to take over what I truly think.

I don't want to forget everything I've learned and figured out about myself from the last five years.  These last five years have been hard, not just educational but personally.  I learned so much about myself and what I believe.  I don't want to get back into the routine of life and not be around those life challenging friends.  I don't want to leave them or this other life I've created away from Northern Indiana.  I want to be me and not be judged and verbally torn down for my choices or what I believe and agree with.  I wish I could say that Northern Indiana or Shipshewana was going to be a "safe" place for me to be verbal and to express my feeling and opinions, but I just don't know what to believe anymore about that place.  I just don't know!

I'm scared!  I'm so scared that I could potentially cry just thinking about it all.  I'm scared of how life is going to be completely different, not just being officially disconnected with some people but a fear of an ending in my life.  Yes, I'm still young and there are many more adventures to be had, but with who and where?  Who are these new important people going to be?  What type of feelings will they share with me, or maybe they won't?  I don't want to be the odd ball with what I feel and think.  Is that me giving in then, to the social norm of things in Indiana?

So many feelings and emotions and I don't even know where to begin or how to begin to control them.  I can make all the lists in the entire world, but will that truly help me?  Will I truly be happy there?  How can I find happiness in where I go?

All of this is soo ironic and strange...approximately five years ago in August, the night before leaving for Hesston, I had my first, emotional break down of I can't do this!  I can't leave home!  I can't leave this!  Approximately five years later, I'm having the same emotional break down....I can't do this?  I can't go back home! I don't know where I truly belong.  But somehow in the midst of everything, I made it through five years ago, I guess I just have to look at it all in a new way.

Many may not understand my harsh feelings for home, but it's just not something I truly want right now, but unfortunately I can't make it on my own alone right now.  So, in hopes of making the best of the situation, I have created a list of things to accomplish or look forward to in the move home.  I hope I find that happiness somewhere again.

Sincerely,
Bawling in Baltimore

Plotting Peace

I'm sitting here, and I'm suppose to be reading for small group.  But I'm not!  Instead I just realized, I only have 4 full months left here in Baltimore.  It's starting to sink in right now as I'm thinking about it all.  I've met so many new, amazing, and wonderful people.  I wish my relationship would have turned into something more with certain people and I'm appreciative of how many of my relationships has turned out with others.  It's been a blessing and yet the most frustrating thing ever.  I've figured out what I like and don't like.  I have even seemed to figure out what I want for my life, or I have an idea of what I don't want.  Now to go from there.....what will my next journey be like?  Where will God lead me now?  What will happen?  I'm sure I'll fill you all in as my life unfolds.

I should get back to reading.
So for now.....love from Baltimore

Just sharing

As I'm sitting around watching basketball and trying to figure out what to blog about, I came across this.  Since I've been here in Baltimore, I've heard of this company called Toms Shoes and I've seen them and tried someone's on and I really liked them.  So as I was on their site trying to figure out if I wanted some, I came across a campaign they are doing.  It's called One Day Without Shoes.  People are committing to a day or a few hours, or even a few minutes to not wearing shoes.  How cool is that?

TOMS are really cool.  You buy a pair of shoes and the company gives a pair of shoes to a child who doesn't have any.  So you're buying their shoes.  How awesome?  Anyways, I think TOMS are pretty cool and I wanted to share with others in case you've never heard of them.  Check them out!

"Keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe."

Things are starting to happen, lots of them actually.  My next steps, reading and feeling inspired, better weather, great friendships (ones I for sure cherish), busy schedule.  A lot of stuff is going on and it just feels great!

Currently Reading:  The Justice Project by McLaren, Padilla, and Seeber
I joined small group from NBMC and I'm liking it so far.  We haven't gotten too far into the book we're reading because we've just started but I'm really excited to ready about Justice and God and how they are intertwined.  So far I've read just the introduction and first chapter or essay.  I'm already thinking about how God's work and justice go together and how my life fits into that category as well.  Younger, I've always wanted to do missions.  As an adult I chose Social Work as a field.  How perfect?  I'm not trying to force feed Jesus or God to anyone, I just like the idea of helping another person in need like Jesus did for so many.  He didn't criticize, he accepted and loved everyone.  Sometimes I don't put all that together.  Sometimes, I just stop with God is love and perfect, I only see the "good stuff" I don't think about all the other things he encountered.  Then I think where have I been?  I'm not that 7 year old that still goes to Vacation Bible School and almost always seems to hear about the same stories over and over again.  I'm an adult who's living in the real world and who has to deal with the struggles of real life.  I can't stop someone from using cocaine or heroin anymore.  I can't convince an individual with schizophrenia that they'll be okay if they stay here for the night.  I can't do that.  And in those big moments of helplessness, what am I suppose to do?  I hope The Justice Project will give me some advice.  I know it probably won't answer all my questions but as long as I get an idea of where I should be going, that's all I can really ask for.

Also I'm reading The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd.  I haven't gotten too far, but I've enjoyed it so far.  It's one of those read before you go to bed types.  I'll keep you posted on how it turns out.

Current Thoughts:
I have lots of these.  One thing that's keeps reoccurring in my mind, mainly because I never did it, is a question my aunt asked me.  She asked "Why did you become a Christian?"  She had a whole paragraph about how their church is doing this bible study and along with why their faith story, they answered this question.  And I never did it mainly because I have no clue how to answer it.  Why did I become a Christian? Something to ponder.

My job has been pretty painful at times, but currently it hasn't been too bad.  Something I constantly complain about is how some clients don't stay for very long.  I was talking with someone who's working on getting her masters in social work and has been counseling me (more for support due my stressful and sometime depressing job).  I expressed this feeling to her and she gave me great advice, comforting actually, it's obviously them not me.  Many of these people have been so unstable and insecure about who to trust and give respect to, how can they begin to create a stable life and trust others.  They've been taken advantage of and are so emotionally fragile, how do we even help?  Where do we begin to give support and encouragement?

I've learned not just within this year but in general how impersonal-able I am.  It's not that I can't relate and get along with people, I'm not socially awkward.  It's the first time meeting a person.  I may come across as intimidating and overly confident that is a total front and completely fake!  The bad part is that I don't realize I'm doing that until the moment has past and gone.  I realize that I'm not friendly to strangers, maybe that's my introverted way.  I'm a hypocrite.  I hate how churches don't accept people for stupid reasons but here I am, I can't even say a nice and polite "Hello, my name is Kristin.  I don't think I've met you before...."  How pathetic am I?  Then I think, maybe it's because where I grew up?  Maybe it's because I still feel the preppy obnoxious person I had to be back in high school.  That must change.  I must work on that.

March Madness is on the verge of beginning.  I am so excited.  I just hope there will be lots of exciting games like last year again this year, I think that's why I'm soooo excited about watching the games.  I love basketball.  It makes me all happy and giggly inside.  If only I didn't have to work and I could watch them all day long.  I can multi-task!

Friends are constantly on my mind.  I miss some of those old friends.  And I'm excited about the next few months and I get to see many of them.  How exciting?  I'm looking forward to May and going to National Retreat.  Ah.....can't wait!

One last thought...have I told you my cousin is getting married?  Well she is.  I'm happy for her and I get to go to Jamaica for the beautiful wedding.  It shall be quite a time.  And I get to take a friend.  Ah....Betha and I are going to have such a splendiferious time.  I can't wait, unfortunately, we have to wait a WHOLE year before this shin-dig will even happen.  Suck a duck.  I want warmth and cold drinks now!  But it will come soon and I'll be in heaven.  Ah imagine with me now, the sand between toes, exfoliating the skin.  The warm sun beating down.  The waves crashing.  Long walks along the beach.  The sun burn, but who cares I'm in paradise, it will fade.

Movie Choices I've made within the last four days:
Friday--Alice in Wonderland in 3D.  Amazing.  I sat at a bad angle but absolutely loved it.  It reminded me of Chronicles of Narnia.  I loved that movie too.
Saturday--Went to movies with Melissa and saw Valentine's Day.  Once again, I loved that movie as well.  I knew I would even thought Kara told  me I would love it, I truly did!  Then when we got home, I watched Top Gun.  Great classic!  Love it also.
Sunday--Watched Precioius.  Ugh..good but it's right up there with Seven Pounds.  I'll watch it once but probably never again.  It was very disturbing and unfortunately probably something that happens to many people.  What a horrible world, I do recommend Precious to anyone who's interested.  It's very good, yet very disturbing.
Monday--I watched Post Grad. This was another one of those sappy girl movies that I LOVE!!  The movie was ok, definitely not a favorite but definitely liked it.  Michael Keaton is probably one of my favorite actors.  He's really good, very funny!

What can I say, the weather has been crappy and it's apparent considering all I've done is watch movies.  Unfortunately I could have found better things to do with my time, but movie watching is way better on rainy, cloudy, miserable days like this last weekend.  But sunshine and warmth is in our near future here in Baltimore.  YIPPEE!!

Current Music selection:
Most of my music selection has consisted of the "trashy" type lately, as my fellow MVSer likes to call it.  And unfortunately no matter how trashy and inappropriate it is, I still like it.  I go through phases and currently this is my phase, the "trashy" hit music world.

Well until next time.  Sorry this got soo long.  Hopefully I'll be able to define why I chose to be a Christan?  Something to eventually look forward to and reason number one to keep reading my blog, right?  haha

Love from BMore

Walking Home

Walking home from work is always quite the experience.  I never know what to expect.  Melissa and I never know what or who we will come across.

Tuesday, March 9th
Yesterday's experience for both of us (mind you at different times in the afternoon/evening) involved creepy men.  As I was walking home, I made it all the way to Linden Ave without a cat call or a car horn, then I started walking up Linden Ave approximately 2 blocks from RHHP and then it happened.  There was a car that drove past, stopped and then it started backing up.  Of course I thought they were parking.  No...no....then they rolled down the window while backing up.  Then the guy proceeded by talking to me.  "Hey you want a ride?"
I reply, "No thanks!"
"You live around here?"
"Yeah not too far from here."
"What's your name?" (He says something else but I seriously couldn't understand him)
This part is my favorite, "Uh?"
"What's your name?"
"Kristin."
"Kristin, do you have a boyfriend?"
Semi-long pause because I had to think about the seriousness of this stupid question. "Yes!" accompanied by a shoulder shrug and smirk.
Then he has to tell me about how that's a shame and he drives away.  Well of course I'm going to tell you I have a boyfriend, because there is no way I want to get hit on by some random guy who just happen to drive past me.  It was flattering but seriously.

Wednesday, March 10
As Melissa and I were on our walk home after work, once again something happened that seems to only happen to us here in Baltimore.  We pass the same streets, sometimes the same people every day (because the corners we past are their hangouts).  Just like every other day, we saw the guy who sells flowers and stuffed animals everyday at the corner of North and Mt. Royal.  And yes, now is the time I'm going to generalize and stereotype this man.  Every time I see him, I for some reason always think he can't speak English or that his English would be very limited.  Today I was proven WRONG!!!  We were walking along and he was near us after just selling a rose to a customer and he says in this very thick, New Yorker (maybe Balmere) accent "Hey there ladies."  Melissa and I both say "hello!" but I'm pretty sure before we could speak both of us were thinking what, he doesn't sound Hispanic or have any type of accent other than this thick, New England accent.  We were both so taken aback afterwards we were sooo confused.  I think it was just hilarious mainly because we were both thinking the exact same thing.  Afterwards, we were debating about how long our pause was before we said anything to him because of the shock we were in by his voice.

These two incidents plus Melissa's incident on Tuesday (which I did not go into details about) brought up our conversation and this blog topic, The Things While Walking Home from Work in Baltimore, you never know what to expect whether it's finding a condom on the street or helping a person get up because they slipped due to the snow and ice.  You sometimes have to decide to be the good guy and help when needed and being polite to total strangers or the bad guy and ignore the annoying people yelling their usual cat calls from across the street.  Living in Baltimore has given me perspective and a whole new sense of awareness.  Gotta love BMore.

LOVE from BMore

Faith Gap

"You Guys...."

Tonight was great!  I literally absolutely loved going to small group tonight.  So at our church, there is a small group that meets every Tuesday at 7:30pm.  Everyone in the group is constantly trying to get me and others from MVS to join this group.  At first I was like, no!  I don't know anyone and I don't want God force fed to me.  I wasn't in the mood.  No thanks!  I went to a potluck one evening before Christmas, that was good, but there was no pull.  I knew everyone there but still it was just ok, nothing fancy.  Tonight I went for the first time and I gave my faith story.  Crazy for a first timer but I was comfortable.  

Looking back, I realized maybe it was a little fake or something, when in actuality I know it wasn't fake looking.  Who knows maybe I'm trying too hard for people to like me or something but for some reason, not sure why, but I just felt comfortable.  I knew most everyone and it felt good.  When Matt ask if I wanted to do it, even not knowing if I would know everyone, I still for some reason felt a calming feeling that I could do it.  In my head and consciously, there was no doubt in my mind that I couldn't do it.  It was just a matter of over exposing myself to these new people who didn't know me very well.  It was great and I felt great after I did it.  

I guess in the all and all, I'm tired of trying to jump over my faith gap.  I just recently realized that maybe I've just been trying to walk around and got lost in the woods or something.  I can finally see the other side and it's so close I can almost jump and make it but yet I know that I can't do that either.  

Maybe I should define the faith gap a little more.  While at Hesston and in my Youth Ministry class, we discussed how eventually everyone has this gap in their life where they question what they believe and why they believe it etc.  That's where I've been for the past four years.  And for a while it kept getting bigger and bigger and slowly it got smaller and smaller.  Don't get me wrong, I still have that gap but it feels closer together and not as wide as before.  And I'm sure I will always have that gap there but for some reason, lately I've realized how close I've been to the edge and how close the other side may be.  

Ah this is just great!  I love these feelings.  I should go and shower and then go to bed because this is too much, plus my bed is calling my name once again.

Love from BMore

Zebra Print, Thong Leotards are priceless!

Michael Jackson vs. Madonna vs. Prince Dance Party at the Ottobar in Baltimore, MD is ranked Best Dance Your Ass Off Party according to The City Paper.  And I would have to agree and I'm pretty sure my fellow sidekicks would have to agree (Melissa, Beth, Kirsten, and Will).

Melissa's outfit was by far the best and EVERYONE loved it.  She was so lucky and found a beautiful zebra print, thong leotard.  Yes, she wore that inside the club.  Way to go Mel, you definitely got brownie points for that.  We had a great time overall though.

Before the Dance Off party, we all met up for another party before hand at the LVC, Casa house.  Alison and Angela (Lutheran Volunteers) had a birthday party.  It was great to hang out with the LVCer's again.  When you don't see them on a regular basis, you know a good time will be had by all, which there was.  

Also this weekend, I watched more of the Olympics.  Too bad for the Men's US Hockey team but it was still a good game to watch.  As for the rest of my day today, I slept, went grocery shopping, cleaned out our refrigerator, and the list goes on and on.  Now I'm trying to blog and write emails and fun things like that.  

I have several things to look forward to already.  Tuesday is the first time I'm going to small group with our church.  I'm excited because I know a few of these people but on different levels so I hope that this will be a really good thing for me.  And this weekend I'm heading down to Harrisonburg and it's going to be a wonderful time.  I can't wait to just do nothing and to relax and do nothing!!  Well I need to go.  I'm exhausted.  My bed is calling my name.

(currently listening to Kate Nash's album Made of Bricks)