...sun sets and end credits role...

Jamming to some dance tunes.  Sweating my butt off as I finish packing and I'm pretty sure if my mother saw my pack job, she'd be very disappointed in me.  HAHA  But really, with in the last five years, this is the worst packing job I've ever done.  

Anyways moving on, my time here in Baltimore has come to an end.  It's hard to believe.  I reflect and think about my time here and I almost don't want to leave, but yet I must.  I must move on and find something new to challenge myself with.  Yup....I MUST!!!

Today was a wonderful, beautiful day, except for this morning when I was rudely awaken by thunder and lightening and rain shower then I was wringing with sweat because I became soooo hot.  After I gave up on the sleeping thing, I decided to just start packing.  So I packed for an hour then I had to make gifts and around noon I went and picked up Melissa at work and we headed out to Wal-mart and Chick-Fil-A.  Yum yum.  Then I had a wonderful afternoon with my good friend and co-worker Chris.

After dropping off Chris at the Metro, it hit me, I've finally said all my goodbyes, except for my housemates but that's it, I'm done!  It's hard to think about.  It's hard to think about the fact that I gave up the job that I know so well to someone else.  It's hard to not keep going back to say goodbye to people at Project PLASE.  As my housemate said it a few nights ago, "sometimes you just have to pull the band-aid off."  I want those feel good feelings to stay forever and never leave these people but yet I must move on.

Tonight was good closure.  The four of us went out to dinner and hung out with the few (just two) remaining LVCer's.  It felt like good closure as of right now and I've received the best gifts ever.  A journal and a book about MVS Baltimore.  Both necessary in life!!  

Well the band-aid is gone.  Time to move on and find a new adventure.  Who knows, maybe someday I'll return!!

Love from Baltimore (the final time)

Final Countdown (2 days = done at work, 4 days = leavin')

It hasn't sunk in yet.  I'm almost done here, then what?  Well, home of course.  I have no money to get by.  I've got a whole lot of nothing!  Check!

Tonight was one of the several farewell parties we've had and it began to sink in, I'm saying my goodbyes, and with some it's goodbyes for good and who knows when I"ll ever see them again.  Ugh....I got scared and then I could feel the tears begin to well up but not flow out.  (I was thankful for that, though I'm never ashamed of crying, usually)

It's just so hard to say goodbye to these people who had to become my family in such a short amount of time.  I've done the every two year thing and then I move on but one year is rough, actually really difficult, which sucks and very unexpected for me.

Who knew that the gypsy would find it difficult to move on after a year.  I should have just done another year, stuck around.  Now I play the "Well I could do this..." game.  No one wants to play that, I've made a good, healthy decision.  It was a good choice.  Very needed!

Well here's to my fellow volunteers and new Baltimore friends:
I've had the most wonderful year of meeting great new people, may not have spent enough time with them but now I know how to plan a better year.  I'll miss the co-workers who have shared with me about soooo much (life and social work).  I'll miss my new friends who went through this experience with me and may have experienced similar things, feelings, and thoughts.  And I appreciate the people who were there to listen to me and process life with me in this new year of growth as a true adult no in the college bubble anymore.  Thanks to all of you who loved and cared and laughed when I needed it the most.  You are all a true blessing!

Love

avoidance

There really isn't a lot to update on. Nothing exciting has really happened to me it seems like or at least nothing that's extremely exciting and news worthy to share. So I guess I'll just give a random quick update because I feel like I HAVE to write something.

-Work is still not the greatest and it almost feels worse. I am really glad that I am almost done.
-I went to Andrew and Erika's wedding last weekend in Ohio. Loved it and loved them. Congrats!
-I've been sooo close to home but yet not home several times in the last few months. BOO!
-I've been watching old episodes of The Office. They bring back good memories.
-I have really enjoyed getting to know some of my co-workers better.
-I wish I didn't feel depressed when I should be happy.
-I wish it wasn't so bloody hot outside or in my room.
-Summertime always makes me think of country music loud and windows rolled down, and maybe some Cowboy Up please. Maybe just more country folks in my life!
-I wish and desire more hugs. The more unexpected, the better! (Even if I'm hot and sweaty)
-Physically ready to be home home, but not mentally prepared yet.
-My new favorite co-worker who I need to write about but don't because of lack of motivation is Antoinese (Toni) Watkins. She listens to me complain. And constantly answers every ridiculous question I have because I don't really know what I'm doing at work.
-I think about home home more often because of Miss Kara Mishler. Love ya chica.
-There are certain events in life that I wish I could replay over and over again and Boulder, CO 2010 would totally be one of them.
-I've been told I get a queen size bed in my room here (for the next 1.5 months, yippee!

Welp, it's past my bedtime. I'm always tired and wake up at the crack of dawn because if I closed my curtains, my room would be even worse than it is now....boo!! Goodnight!
Love from Baltimore

Mountains and Colorado

These 9 days have been the greatest 9 days of my whole year.  Yeah I went home for Christmas Break, but nothing can compare to this week.  I had the greatest time ever.  I met some new people and talked to old friends.  I caught up on life, and I completely ignored others.  I had a grand old time and I was perfectly fine with my decisions.  I didn't care.

We got back from retreat at Rocky Mountain Mennonite Camp today and I became acclimated to civilization again.  Having no cell phone reception made it difficult to function sometimes but it's ok, most of all my important people were in one place.  We had a great time, fellowshipping, discussing, and even realizing what we truly believe or maybe that was just me.  

This week, a lot opened my eyes.  I've considered having a series of blogs focusing on this one particular event in my life but it felt too overwhelming (or it may still happen).  I've realized so much about the Mennonite community.  FYI people, you can't change this stuff overnight.  And you people who aren't truly Mennonite, I don't think you truly understand, it's going to take a long time to change these people.  It can't happen in a matter of moments/minutes.  It's going to take time, maybe not until our generation becomes that age which sucks to say, but it may be the God's to Honest Truth.  It's a shit life, let's just be honest!!  I would love to change a Mennonite's viewpoint also, but I don't know when that will EVER happen, but I guess it's something that can be worked on.  Anyways, I don't know, I just know, that I wished it would happen but you can't exclude others who don't agree with what you believe in, what kind of Christian are you?  Hypocrite!!!!!!  (I might not have room to talk, but think about what you're talking about/doing, yeah I may be talking to you or I may not be.)

This week, a lot has ran through my mind.  Like even the simple definition that I have to explain a lot, what's a Mennonite? How do I even define it?  I don't know....we're pacifist?  We strive to live simply?  We're frugal?  Yes, all true, but what makes me a Mennonite?  I don't know.....tough question.  I'm not the hippie.  I don't always fit the stereotype of a typical Mennonite child.  But sometimes, I like to believe that I do.  Sometimes, I DO!!  I know, hard to believe but it's true, but I can't go too extreme, I've gone as far as the Chacos but thats it.  And the scariest part is that I know others who haven't gone that far, who haven't gone past the front door in a sense.  Those are the people that I'm scared to be around, will they challenge me to be the person I am?  Will I stick to my grounds of being the person I want to be?  

My challenge for the year I move home is staying true to myself, sticking up for what I believe but the true test will come when I have those discussions....scary!!

Well it's late, I should really sign off.  

And as for the evening,

Love from Boulder, Colorado (my new favorite place and a place I wish I would never have to leave)

There's No Place Like Home?

Dear Friends,

Four months is all I have left in this city of Baltimore.  What will I accomplish in four months here?  What will I accomplish when I move home?  This may sound silly to many of you but I am really sad to be leaving a city I barely know and sad to be moving back home.  But please don't get me wrong, I'm excited, just very nervous of my next step in life and I wonder how long it will take me to enjoy it all again.  I'm not like most people.  I didn't find a job right away after college, I can't afford to find my own place to live when I don't even have the possibilities of a job right now.

I hate to say this also, but I'm dreading the move home.  I'm talking home, home.  I know my parents will be fine with whatever I end up doing as long as it's me trying to pay off my loans, but what I'm scared of the most is being stuck in Northern Indiana forever.  I'm scared I'm going to get stuck there and never be able to find that rabbit hole to get out.  I'm scared I'm going to fall into the trap of "what I'm suppose to be doing."  I'm scared forgetting what my goal in life is (whatever that goal may be).  I'm scared I won't be able to "be myself" and eventually give into the typical Northern Indiana/Topeka/Shipshewana lifestyle (not quite sure what I've stereotyped home as).

I just want to shout "HELLO PEOPLE, there is more to life than basketball (yes I do enjoy it).  There is more to life than looks, and who has the most money.  There is more to life than just throwing your money at a missionary saying here do something with it.  There are real people out there suffering, do something more.  Be personable.  I don't want to be fake again.  I don't want my looks to factor into everything I do.  Who cares what I'm wearing or not wearing.  Who cares that I'm comfortable instead of super dressed up and trying to impress everyone.  I don't want that to take over what I truly think.

I don't want to forget everything I've learned and figured out about myself from the last five years.  These last five years have been hard, not just educational but personally.  I learned so much about myself and what I believe.  I don't want to get back into the routine of life and not be around those life challenging friends.  I don't want to leave them or this other life I've created away from Northern Indiana.  I want to be me and not be judged and verbally torn down for my choices or what I believe and agree with.  I wish I could say that Northern Indiana or Shipshewana was going to be a "safe" place for me to be verbal and to express my feeling and opinions, but I just don't know what to believe anymore about that place.  I just don't know!

I'm scared!  I'm so scared that I could potentially cry just thinking about it all.  I'm scared of how life is going to be completely different, not just being officially disconnected with some people but a fear of an ending in my life.  Yes, I'm still young and there are many more adventures to be had, but with who and where?  Who are these new important people going to be?  What type of feelings will they share with me, or maybe they won't?  I don't want to be the odd ball with what I feel and think.  Is that me giving in then, to the social norm of things in Indiana?

So many feelings and emotions and I don't even know where to begin or how to begin to control them.  I can make all the lists in the entire world, but will that truly help me?  Will I truly be happy there?  How can I find happiness in where I go?

All of this is soo ironic and strange...approximately five years ago in August, the night before leaving for Hesston, I had my first, emotional break down of I can't do this!  I can't leave home!  I can't leave this!  Approximately five years later, I'm having the same emotional break down....I can't do this?  I can't go back home! I don't know where I truly belong.  But somehow in the midst of everything, I made it through five years ago, I guess I just have to look at it all in a new way.

Many may not understand my harsh feelings for home, but it's just not something I truly want right now, but unfortunately I can't make it on my own alone right now.  So, in hopes of making the best of the situation, I have created a list of things to accomplish or look forward to in the move home.  I hope I find that happiness somewhere again.

Sincerely,
Bawling in Baltimore

Plotting Peace

I'm sitting here, and I'm suppose to be reading for small group.  But I'm not!  Instead I just realized, I only have 4 full months left here in Baltimore.  It's starting to sink in right now as I'm thinking about it all.  I've met so many new, amazing, and wonderful people.  I wish my relationship would have turned into something more with certain people and I'm appreciative of how many of my relationships has turned out with others.  It's been a blessing and yet the most frustrating thing ever.  I've figured out what I like and don't like.  I have even seemed to figure out what I want for my life, or I have an idea of what I don't want.  Now to go from there.....what will my next journey be like?  Where will God lead me now?  What will happen?  I'm sure I'll fill you all in as my life unfolds.

I should get back to reading.
So for now.....love from Baltimore

"Keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe."

Things are starting to happen, lots of them actually.  My next steps, reading and feeling inspired, better weather, great friendships (ones I for sure cherish), busy schedule.  A lot of stuff is going on and it just feels great!

Currently Reading:  The Justice Project by McLaren, Padilla, and Seeber
I joined small group from NBMC and I'm liking it so far.  We haven't gotten too far into the book we're reading because we've just started but I'm really excited to ready about Justice and God and how they are intertwined.  So far I've read just the introduction and first chapter or essay.  I'm already thinking about how God's work and justice go together and how my life fits into that category as well.  Younger, I've always wanted to do missions.  As an adult I chose Social Work as a field.  How perfect?  I'm not trying to force feed Jesus or God to anyone, I just like the idea of helping another person in need like Jesus did for so many.  He didn't criticize, he accepted and loved everyone.  Sometimes I don't put all that together.  Sometimes, I just stop with God is love and perfect, I only see the "good stuff" I don't think about all the other things he encountered.  Then I think where have I been?  I'm not that 7 year old that still goes to Vacation Bible School and almost always seems to hear about the same stories over and over again.  I'm an adult who's living in the real world and who has to deal with the struggles of real life.  I can't stop someone from using cocaine or heroin anymore.  I can't convince an individual with schizophrenia that they'll be okay if they stay here for the night.  I can't do that.  And in those big moments of helplessness, what am I suppose to do?  I hope The Justice Project will give me some advice.  I know it probably won't answer all my questions but as long as I get an idea of where I should be going, that's all I can really ask for.

Also I'm reading The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd.  I haven't gotten too far, but I've enjoyed it so far.  It's one of those read before you go to bed types.  I'll keep you posted on how it turns out.

Current Thoughts:
I have lots of these.  One thing that's keeps reoccurring in my mind, mainly because I never did it, is a question my aunt asked me.  She asked "Why did you become a Christian?"  She had a whole paragraph about how their church is doing this bible study and along with why their faith story, they answered this question.  And I never did it mainly because I have no clue how to answer it.  Why did I become a Christian? Something to ponder.

My job has been pretty painful at times, but currently it hasn't been too bad.  Something I constantly complain about is how some clients don't stay for very long.  I was talking with someone who's working on getting her masters in social work and has been counseling me (more for support due my stressful and sometime depressing job).  I expressed this feeling to her and she gave me great advice, comforting actually, it's obviously them not me.  Many of these people have been so unstable and insecure about who to trust and give respect to, how can they begin to create a stable life and trust others.  They've been taken advantage of and are so emotionally fragile, how do we even help?  Where do we begin to give support and encouragement?

I've learned not just within this year but in general how impersonal-able I am.  It's not that I can't relate and get along with people, I'm not socially awkward.  It's the first time meeting a person.  I may come across as intimidating and overly confident that is a total front and completely fake!  The bad part is that I don't realize I'm doing that until the moment has past and gone.  I realize that I'm not friendly to strangers, maybe that's my introverted way.  I'm a hypocrite.  I hate how churches don't accept people for stupid reasons but here I am, I can't even say a nice and polite "Hello, my name is Kristin.  I don't think I've met you before...."  How pathetic am I?  Then I think, maybe it's because where I grew up?  Maybe it's because I still feel the preppy obnoxious person I had to be back in high school.  That must change.  I must work on that.

March Madness is on the verge of beginning.  I am so excited.  I just hope there will be lots of exciting games like last year again this year, I think that's why I'm soooo excited about watching the games.  I love basketball.  It makes me all happy and giggly inside.  If only I didn't have to work and I could watch them all day long.  I can multi-task!

Friends are constantly on my mind.  I miss some of those old friends.  And I'm excited about the next few months and I get to see many of them.  How exciting?  I'm looking forward to May and going to National Retreat.  Ah.....can't wait!

One last thought...have I told you my cousin is getting married?  Well she is.  I'm happy for her and I get to go to Jamaica for the beautiful wedding.  It shall be quite a time.  And I get to take a friend.  Ah....Betha and I are going to have such a splendiferious time.  I can't wait, unfortunately, we have to wait a WHOLE year before this shin-dig will even happen.  Suck a duck.  I want warmth and cold drinks now!  But it will come soon and I'll be in heaven.  Ah imagine with me now, the sand between toes, exfoliating the skin.  The warm sun beating down.  The waves crashing.  Long walks along the beach.  The sun burn, but who cares I'm in paradise, it will fade.

Movie Choices I've made within the last four days:
Friday--Alice in Wonderland in 3D.  Amazing.  I sat at a bad angle but absolutely loved it.  It reminded me of Chronicles of Narnia.  I loved that movie too.
Saturday--Went to movies with Melissa and saw Valentine's Day.  Once again, I loved that movie as well.  I knew I would even thought Kara told  me I would love it, I truly did!  Then when we got home, I watched Top Gun.  Great classic!  Love it also.
Sunday--Watched Precioius.  Ugh..good but it's right up there with Seven Pounds.  I'll watch it once but probably never again.  It was very disturbing and unfortunately probably something that happens to many people.  What a horrible world, I do recommend Precious to anyone who's interested.  It's very good, yet very disturbing.
Monday--I watched Post Grad. This was another one of those sappy girl movies that I LOVE!!  The movie was ok, definitely not a favorite but definitely liked it.  Michael Keaton is probably one of my favorite actors.  He's really good, very funny!

What can I say, the weather has been crappy and it's apparent considering all I've done is watch movies.  Unfortunately I could have found better things to do with my time, but movie watching is way better on rainy, cloudy, miserable days like this last weekend.  But sunshine and warmth is in our near future here in Baltimore.  YIPPEE!!

Current Music selection:
Most of my music selection has consisted of the "trashy" type lately, as my fellow MVSer likes to call it.  And unfortunately no matter how trashy and inappropriate it is, I still like it.  I go through phases and currently this is my phase, the "trashy" hit music world.

Well until next time.  Sorry this got soo long.  Hopefully I'll be able to define why I chose to be a Christan?  Something to eventually look forward to and reason number one to keep reading my blog, right?  haha

Love from BMore

Sun = Happiness

This weekend was another good one.  Friends came.  I love when friends come!  It makes me feel special.  And I don't always like sharing my friends, so I just take them away or shut us all in my room, and I like that!  No really though, friends are fun and I was so thankful to have them around.  I love them and I love my new friends, but old friends are obviously just the most special people in the entire world.  Love them.  So yeah, Kim and Rachel came up.  We laughed and talked Friday evening ate pizza whatever.  Saturday, we went out for Breakfast at the Paper Moon Diner then trekked our way over to the Big IKEA near DC.  It was fun.  I gave them a driving tour of Baltimore then we went to the Book Thing, went to Hampden, had dinner, then came back here and watched the Olympics.  It was great!  :)  Nice, wonderful, and relaxing.  I get to see Kim and Eric  in like 2 weeks then.  Excited!  Can't wait!!

Something new in my life, other than the snow is melting and other fun things like Spring is coming is that I got Twitter.  Yeah...haha!  I never wanted it but gave in and now I'm starting to get addicted.  I kind of like it.  I can't confess that to too many people but I guess I just told a ton of people because now you know this.  Great!  I'm bad at keeping my own little secrets.

Well I think I'm due for a mid Sunday afternoon nap.  I must retire for a few hours possibly only 20 minutes but yet it will still be amazing.

Love from BMore

snow, snow, snow, it won't be long...

Tonight was wonderful.  It's been snowing all afternoon evening and it looks gorgeous outside.  We walked from Fells Point to a friend's house and then from there we drove back.  It was fun to drive in the snow again.  I knew I could do it but it was great to have the control over that.  Until we got to Linden Ave, I thought we were going to get stuck.  UGH!  That would have been horrible.

We ended up not going on our retreat, which sucked and we were pretty bitter about, but whatever, we'll deal, so we had to make our own fun.  What the fun will consist of, we don't know.  Well, I should finish eating cuz I had the munchies and then I think I'm going to go to bed and sleep in.......ah....warm room, warm bed.  Great night!  Thanks friends!

Love from Snowy, almost Snowed-In, BMore

boo

After living on the East Coast for 2 almost 3 years now, I've realized how people hype up snow and the many inches it can accumulate.  Of course, for a born and bred Hoosier, it's nothing.

Tomorrow or this weekend, it's suppose to snow.....again.......and a lot!  It better because they canceled out stinking retreat because of it.

Pissed off in BMore

What's the next step?

Becoming a social worker is a scary thought in my mind.  Yes, I have a bachelor's in social work but my job doesn't consist of me doing complete social work-y things.  I'm not doing case management right now, but the idea of actually doing that for a living scares me.  What happens when I start working as a case manager and I just get stuck in a funk of not caring or whatever happens to burned out social workers?  That's scary!

Anyways, so I have 3 or 4 possible options for my future.  I guess I'll probably base my descion on where ever I find a job.

Option #1.  Stay in Baltimore.  That's scary to say because approximately at Christmas time I didn't think I could or would say that.  But I wouldn't mind finding a job, working towards getting a social work license, and living in a normal house or possibly sticking around RHHP but only for a while.  Plus, Harrisonburg, Carlisle, DC and other exciting places aren't far at all.  And I would have a car, so I wouldn't feel trapped and stuck in the city.  I may also have a potential place to live already other than RHHP.  That's exciting!

Options #2.  Go back to Shipshewana.  It would be wonderful to live in the Land of Country and No Tall Buildings aka not big/medium city life.  I would have to find a job in Goshen/Elkhart/South Bend area which wouldn't be bad but it's another option.  Plus perk to going back home, I may have a possible alternative place to live other than home home.  That makes me excited because life at home could potentially get rough for me at the ripe old age of 23.

Option #3.  Harrisonbug.  Not sure what I would do there or where I would work, but of course I'm still thinking and figuring out all those details.  I could potentially live with old friends who are going back there maybe but maybe they won't I don't know.  But then again Baltimore is only 3 hours away. 

Option #4.  DC.  Totally didn't think about this place until a co-worker mentioned it.  Of course it's a great place.  There's social work things to do there too.  But anyways these are my options.

But then I think is the East Coast still what I want?  I don't know what I want.  There are so many options.  I'm open to advice or if you hear of any job openings.  Holla!


love from bmore

bliss for a moment or two

There is only thing that can seems to describe every feeling in the last 5 minutes of my life and it's called the Glee Volume 1 Soundtrack.  Not only do I have my problems to worry about I'm thinking about my friends and the things they are dealing with, many situations are similar and my heart just aches and goes out to them.  I wish life could just be like college and I could just go and sit in their rooms and just talk about my day or my life and their lives and just be filled with their presence and be happy.  That's all I want in life.

I never realized how post-college is rough until this very moment.  I wish I had all my friends at my fingertips...but they aren't there.  This year has taken a toll on me and I find it difficult but yet know that I could move on from the past.  I can move on and meet new people and start over.  It's hard to do but I know it's possible.  I mean honestly, I did it.  Read my blog from yesterday.  It's possible!  Now I just need to think those positive thoughts.  

Something to look forward to, Baltimore MVS Retreat is this coming weekend.  It's going to be a good time, nice and relaxing!  With lots of food!

Love from BMore

one of those nights...update 1.31

I'm sitting in my room after a pretty good weekend.  Friday evening the four of us volunteers had a wonderful time with a couple from church.  We hung out with them along with one of their housemates.  It was a lot of fun.  Kristy and I set up everything and it was all on pretty short notice but everyone had a good time.  I had a moment that night.  I'm sure some of my housemates were thinking "Man I could be doing better things. I don't want to be here."  But in the end, they were all really happy about everything happened.  They had a good time and I'm glad that everyone enjoyed themselves.  I only know the couple from church and so it was great too for others to hang out with them and realize how awesome they are too.  Anyways, I'm proud of myself (yes that's me boasting) because I think people were apprehensive about hanging out with them and it turns out everyone loved them even though they may have only met them once before. 

Tonight, we had another fun time.  We went over to the LVCers house and celebrated Caitlin's birthday.  She's such an awesome person.  She made pierogi's (which are like dumplings) and this too die for Chocolate Caramel cake (it was better than Better Than Sex Cake).  She's a baker and loves cooking!  It was ah-mazing....she did a wonderful job.  And it was a lot of fun to hang out with them again.  Some days when I'm hanging out with them, I remove myself from them because there are too many people when we're all together.  It becomes too much, every time we're together, it's a good time.  So we ate, watched a movie, and then played Trivial Pursuit.  That was my evening, but this afternoon was eventful also, Beth got a tattoo.  It was exciting!  Along with all of that, it snowed!

I forgot how much I love the snow.  I love driving in it but if I really had the option I wouldn't go anywhere.  I wouldn't do anything.  I would just sing in my room or living room or where ever the heck I want and just sit in the warmth and just be.  Watch a movie, or just chill.  That's what I would have done.  That would have been wonderful but I had a pretty eventful day, it was good.  It was good to just get out and about.

As for work, well I'm still having my rough days.  I try to do my best but some days I think I'm not doing a good job at all.  Ugh....pressure and stress!!!  It's too much and what sucks the most is that I'm just a volunteer.  Boo!!!! 

One thing which I'm very excited for is......Lost returns.  Life will be complete after this season begins and is over.  I can not wait!  It's going to be the time ever.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

I also began the job search.  What to do next in life?  Where to go etc etc...still thinking about that.  I found lots of job places here in BMore, I also have a potential place to stay but most definitely can not afford it so something else would most likely have to be figured out.  We'll see!!  But I might have worked out something back home for housing instead of living at home.  That's exciting but no job ideas yet there.  Still searching......

Well it's late.  I'm tired.  I need sleep.  Check.

Love from BMore                 <3

SUNFLOWERS

According to my housemate, my vibe (everyone has one as well as an animal essence, I don't know that one yet) is a sunflower. 
"Kind of country, but very versetille at the same time. All types of people like sunflowers. They are sweet and bold all at once. They are tall and bright colors. They bring beauty to unexpected places (example: sunflowers grow in Kansas and South Dakota- beauty in the unexpected"  --BA   

It feels so true.  My vibe is so sunflowers.  I wish I had the gift of determining what vibes people give off (ok it probably isn't that big of a job but it would lots of fun). 

 

Life: "It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song"

I always start a blog but never know what to write.  I have too much running through my head.  So here you go, after I've regurgitated it in my head for several weeks and now I vomit it up just for you (great visual I'm sure).

1.  I watched American Beauty this afternoon.  Loved it.  I need to be a happier person in life.

2.  Just came back from a great weekend with friends in DC.  I met Kim and Eric at Kim's Uncle's house and he was so hospitable.  Every time I'm not around Kim and Eric for too long I forget how great they are but as soon as we start hanging out again, it all comes back and then I'm so proud of them even in the midst of our stupidity and silliness.  I love them. So basically my weekend or two evenings and three days excursion to DC involved the basics:  lots of laughing, wine, more laughing, deep discussions, awkward moments, more wine, a tarten or two (or Salten as Kim liked to call it), and the obvious two against one Kim and I always won (poor Eric). 

Highlights of the trip:  1. Saw DC or the Monuments lite up.  Beautiful!  2. Finally saw the Jefferson Memorial.  Never been to it before.  3. Even though I couldn't see it very well, saw a live performance, art show opening.  It was suppose to be like a Snowglobe and had ballet dancers.  It was cool!  4.  Ate a flaming fish.  It wasnt flaming when I ate it but before it was.  5. Ate Turkish food.  That was new and exciting.  Very delicious!  6.  Saw good friends.  Laughed with them.  Made awkward, funny jokes.  Still love them.

3.  Music is Love:

   Far by Regina Spektor --->  Great new cd I've come to love.

   Breakup by Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johannson  --->  Another new cd I love.

4.  The unit went to the National Aquarium with a family from church.  It was a great time.  And I had the opportunity to work on my New Year's Resolution....flirting with children.

5.  I've been thinking about a lot of other different things too...
Who am I?  Sometimes I think I change who I am for certain people.  And sometimes I am not who I truly am in fear of someone getting upset with me and telling me their thoughts are the only right thing in the world.  I don't like dealing with those people.  They annoy me.  Then I question, what's my purpose in Baltimore? I'm still working this one out.  Yeah I know, I'm here to work at Project PLASE and I'm trying to help the homeless, but there's more.  Then I always question, why did I choose Baltimore?  In the end, I'm so happy with the people I've met and the friend's I've made.  They are awesome, great people.  So what do I want in life?  Why am I not satisfied?  And how can I be satisfied?  I need all of these things to make my life happier that's for sure.  I need more of others in my life and less of that other junk that doesn't make me happy.  And the last thing I constantly think about of course, what do I do next?  Where do I go from here?

6.  I had the greatest conversation that made me so happy.  DC recognizes same sex marriages and we talked with Jon about it and it was beautiful to hear him talk about how they will probably have a ceremony, eventually.  I am sooo happy for them.  Jon and Christian, even though I haven't known them for very long, have been very influential in my life and in my thoughts.  I never thought about the LGBT community until I met them and now I feel more connected.  They truly are beautiful and I'm truly blessed to have them in my life. 

7.  New thoughts of next move...West of the Mississippi River but definitely not St. Louis too much like BMore.

8.  And now I want a dog like this one.  This is Nora.  Isn't she a cutie?  She's a golden retriever and fully of spunk and love.

 9.  These are some of the ladies I work with.  And I love all these ladies that I get to work with.  They are absolutely amazing women and such role models and hilarious!! (Dora, Erica, & Barbara)

Well I should go.  Stop singing my songs.  Clean my room.  Think about tomorrow.  And think about my food. What do I even eat?  Keep the prayers flowing as I'm still struggling with a lot of things and just thinking about too much.  Thanks for the love too.

Love from BMore

Goal #2: Learn to not be scared

I've met some of the greatest people and a lot of those great people aren't scared to ask the scary, awkward questions in life.  I admire them.  I admire how they can be so bold and not care what others are thinking of them or they can just take the criticism.  They have so much more strength and courage that I for some silly reason don't have.  Strange!  But anyways, I want to be able to ask those deep questions and ponder what I truly believe and is what I believe something I want to believe or just ingrained in me because that's what I've always been told to believe yada yada. 

So the next goal I suppose is to not care so much about what people think of my thoughts.  I should feel safe asking embarrassing questions in front of friends.  They are my friends right.  I shouldn't feel ashamed.  I'll practice.

New Years Resolutions....

I don't really have any New Years resolutions but possibly....
1.  expand my music collection 
2.  read more books.
3.  not to be ashamed of country music in the city of Baltimore.
4.  make more new friends.
5.  find one thing I'll absolutely miss if and when I leave Baltimore.
6.  (my personal fave thanks Beth) make more destructive decisions in life.
7.  find ways to be more of a liberal Mennonite.
8.  watch those movies I've always wanted to see but haven't seen yet (American Beauty, there are pry others but right now they aren't coming to my mind)
9.  drink more coffee (cuz I do that now haha).
10.  experience Baltimore.
11.  experience life to the fullest.
12.  give all I can give.
13.  find happiness.
14.  see God in the little and daily things in life.
15.  be me and be comfortable. 
16.  flirt with more children (meaning talk it up with them like none other).
17.  listen to more of The Avett Brothers.



...maybe I just shouldn't make any resolutions

Nora + Me

I'm dog sitting for this cute little pup named Nora.  She's just so cute.  Anyways, I'm having fun thinking about the future.  Thinking about how eventually one day, I'll have my own place, a cute dog, and all 10 seasons of Friends.  Ha the little things in life that I get enjoyment thinking about.

Anyways, life in Baltimore since I have been back has been okay.  Nothing too exciting has happened in the first week just A LOT of thinking, over analyzing, and talking about my Christmas Vacation too many times.  Vacation was great.  I enjoyed being with family and seeing extended family.  I enjoyed hanging out with friends.  I enjoyed the movies, ugly sweaters or tree skirts, and CU.  But now I'm back to routine and right about now is when I realize I don't want to be the adult or grown up that I always thought I wanted to be.  Bah life!

Now I have to start thinking about what's next.  Where do I go?  Do I go home and live for free and start paying off loans?  Eventually then find a cheap place to live to get out of the house?  Do I go back to school and get my masters or do I stick around Baltimore and find something to do and someplace to live?  Do I just find a job and get my license?  Who really knows what I should be thinking about or doing?  I most definitely have no clue.

Today was great, I talked with someone at work who I simply asked a question about LSW and LCSW (I didn't know what the difference was between them) .  She was telling me what the difference was and what I should really be doing.  Then she suggested making a pros and cons list of my different options.  I never thought about that all but that's brilliant.  So eventually one of these days, I need and want to sit down and looking over all my options and decide where or what I want to do next.  I just keep putting that off just a bit longer.  Right now I can only look at it one step at a time.  First, VS.  Then possibly 4 months of me looking for something new in my life.  Where to begin?

Side note:  Some days I wish I could truly write what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling.  That would be crazy I'm sure.  I'm not one to offend people but I'm sure I would definitely offend one or two people that way.  I'm not sure I would like that.  I have a new friend here in Baltimore where his whole mission seems to be to offend as many people as much as possible.  If they are going to act like they have a stick up their butt then why not make them feel uncomfortable or awkward.  Ha thinking about that now cracks me up.  He has great intentions if only he was different.  Anyways, my new Baltimore friend has given me a new perspective on life as I sit here tonight thinking about my past week and the drama I seem to be caught up in.  But of course my situation couldn't be fixed by his theory.  I can't offend and feel good about myself, I can only sit around thinking about how I truly feel and what I truly want or wanted to say.  Then I have to think to myself, what more would or could I possibly say.  What more?  And maybe I took or thought about a lot of things in different ways.  Maybe my thoughts were just in the complete opposite directions?  Maybe what I said was something completely different than what was expected?  I don't know what I want anymore.  I don't know what I'm looking for anymore?  I don't even know what to expect.  I don't know anything it seems.  All that I know is that there are a bajillion thoughts flying around and I don't even know how to start to put them all together.  Where do I begin?

Well on that note, maybe I should sign off and begin gathering my notes or writing some other notes to others in far away towns.  Laters from the Beck-Hostetter home!

Love from BMore

--------->  Nora sends her love too.

or at least I'd like to think she would (she's pretty much asleep)

REALIZATION

I realized tonight as I was sitting around telling my fellow Sunday School classmates about the drugs deals I see and non-nonchalantly mentioning the murder that occurred down the street that it doesn't phase me.  That's scary.  Things that crazy and out of control are scary and very real and here I am just walking past it.  Here I am thinking I'm invincible when I should have open eyes.  I should be aware of my thoughts and feelings.  These are things to not take lightly but yet here I am just thinking about how it doesn't seem to bother me.  I'm just rolling with the punches.  I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing though right?  "I don't see anything going on."  I didn't see that drug transaction happen.  I don't see that guy walking away counting his wad of cash.  I didn't see them hug and exchange whatever they had in their hands.  Nope....didn't see anything.  What kind of messed up world do I live in?  What should I truly be thinking?  How should I truly be acting?  What am I suppose to do about it?  What?

Rootless Tree (may be too real for some)

Many of you may be wondering how I"m doing and by my last few entries it might just sound depressing or something.  I've just been strung out on emotions.  I have highs and lows all within a matter of minutes some days.  I feel bi-polar almost.  I've never felt so drained, so happy, so excited, so sad, or so frustrated, so angry all in a day's work.  It's depressing and too much.  But lately, that's what my days consist of.

Lately, I've been having wonderful mornings.  They are blissful and happy, very satisfying.  Then comes the afternoon and it just gets crazy.  Who know?  Seriously though, it sucks trying to help people, especially those who can't seem to grasp the idea that this is not a one way train.  It goes both ways, they have to help themselves also.  I can't do it all.  They need more help than I can give them.  I'm not a case manager.  My job is to place clients into a bed, and interview them to make sure they fit some sort of criteria, that's my job!

I do not get too upset a whole lot but lately, I have never been so frustrated with life and this world.  I hate when people hang up on me while we're on the phone because they are too stubborn to help themselves.  I hate when clients think I'm suppose to be the only person who can help them, when really, I don't have a case load because that would absolutely set me over the top.  I hate when I have to "sorry we don't have space. I can't help you today."  I hate to hear stories of how they're homeless, have no place to go, and somehow I'm suppose to help them.  Somehow in the midst of their troubles and frustrations, I have give them hope.  How the hell am I suppose to give hope, when I don't even know what to do?  And I definitely hate having to place clients onto my waiting list that are my age or sometimes younger.  One last thing that gets on my nerves is when client's leave a message and for some reason, they never leave a number.  How am I suppose to contact them?  And it gets better, they mumble, so I can't understand them and who knows what their name is.  Yeah those are the best days of my life. 

On Thursday I had a rough day.  Some lady demanded on the phone that I help her.  I was trying to tell her, I can't help you you have to call these numbers.  You have to go to these places to receive help.  And then I finally just said, I'll try.  I"ll call around.  I'll ask others and see what they can give me.  I went to my co-workers.  They were like, you call her back and give her the First Call for Help number.  I was like...ok.  And I needed that moral support from those ladies.  I was going crazy because of this one lady.  She had me so upset and so frustrated.  She was a crazy lady and what was I suppose to do?  I had no clue.  Thank goodness for social workers who have been at it for 15 plus years.  They are absolutely amazing.  They were a great sense of moral support.  I loved it. I complained later how I'm never going to be good at social work and they just laughed at me.  (Which I guess was reassurance but at the moment I just hated it all)  People like this lady make me hate Social Work and I never want to be a social worker or do anything with adults.  But I think certain adults would be great to work with, if only I worked with them. 

Wow that was a mouthful.  Sorry!

Let's just say that lately hasn't been the greatest.  But that's ok, I'm dealing.  I'm moving upward and onward.  Or at least trying.  I am actually just holding out for next Tuesday afternoon.  Next week is Thanksgiving and I'm going down to Harrisonburg, VA and I am super super excited to see my friends and to spend time with them.  I've already told Kim certain things I want.  It's just like going home but on a very different and strange scale.  I'm super excited.  I can't wait to just surround myself with these people I haven't seen in ages.  I want to feel that happiness again.  I want to feel that love again.  I want the holidays to come sooner than later.  I want to spend forever in the moment of great bliss and happiness.  I never want that to change.  I want to not worry about work, how I'm getting home for Christmas, or the stress of life.  I want to breathe in the fresh air of the country/city life of Harrisonburg.  I want to relax.  I want to just sit and be, that's truly want I want.

So something I've been dying to write about something lately.  I think about it a lot while I'm walking to or from work.

>:< Baltimore sights and sounds >:<

--A beautiful, bright sunrise.

--Shattered glass from broken bottles along the way.

--A neighbor walking out of their door to head to work.

--Parents dragging their children to school.

--The corner carry out store is buzzing with buisness.

--"The Boys" aka drug dealers hanging out at the corner waiting for business.

--The drug dealer saying his hello's to his regular customers (of course all the while passing the goods to the client).

--A used condom lying on the sidewalk near someone's house.

--Crushed beer cans lying around.

--A needle, who someone most likely used, nestled in between some stones along the side of a building.

--A huge Baltimore Rat hanging out by the trash cans.

--Someone's weave (fake hair) randomly along the sidewalk.  How in the world did it get there?

--Some random guy checking me out, calling me names, and in my mind, I want to yell Stop Harassing Women. I don't like and no one likes it.  SHOW SOME RESPECT. But it's definitely not appropriate, so I just deal and walk by.

--Walking home, I see the regulars standing in the median asking for money or a place to stay for the night, holding their signs.  What can I even do for them?

--Blue flashing lights that are suppose to indicate safety.  Ha, it only moved the drugs down to the next block.

--Hearing the sound of the #5 MTA Bus or the blaring sirens of the fire trucks, police cars, or ambulances that race past to go to the near by nursing home. 

--At the end of the day, I love sitting in my room, waiting on my day to end, watching the blue security cameras flash and the sun set with it's sunset pink, blue, and purple haze.

Just a regular day in Baltimore.  (Sorry if it's graphic, it's just a typical day, it's truly what I see)

Love from BMore