Free

The holiday Christmas festivities are officially over.  It was great seeing family but now I'm ready to get back into routine of work and Baltimore again.  I didn't think I would say that but maybe it was because today I didn't do much but hang out at the house and try and clean my room.  Since I've been back, it looks like a tornado blew through in the dead of winter.  And along with all of that, I am deciding on what I want to take back to BMore or leave here.  


I've had enough of this thinking and reflecting.  It's time to just get back to life.  I may be switching jobs when I get back to work or doing something else at the same time.  I am really excited about what that may turn into but scared at the same time.  We'll see!  I know a lot about Project PLASE and Baltimore so that's great and an advantage for me.  So we'll see where the next road will lead.  


Well I need to get ready for hanging out with Kara tonight.  I'm excited just like old times movie and Hacienda!  I'll probably reflect more later but trying to find the right words is always hard.

Love from Shipshewana

Recent playlist for life:

"Free" by Zac Brown Band

"Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam

"The Space Between" by Dave Matthews Band

"Runaway" by Love and Theft

"TiK ToK" by Ke$ha

"Only You Can Love Me This Way" by Keith Urban

"Self Esteem" by Offspring

"Too Late" by M83

"In Like A Lion (Always Winter)" by Relient K

"Off I Go" by Greg Laswell

"Lovely Tonight" by Joshua Radin

"Brooklyn" by Wakey! Wakey!

"Your Love Is A Song" by Switchfoot

"Come Pick Me Up" by Zac Brown Band

"All For You" by Sister Hazel

Goal #1: Learn to Drink Coffee

Goal of the year has been accomplished already in the first four months.  I'm impressed with myself.  Yeah I've tried it before and slowly just forced myself to drink it.  Finally, I realized I need to stop spending my money on soda or pop so I need a new form of caffeine something cheaper, which leads to being forced to enjoy coffee.  I was basically desperate enough, I started with the crap stuff, work coffee.  Now I can handle almost anything, except for Amish straight up black coffee.  It still grosses me out but today was a first.  It unfortunately didn't help my tiredness.  Maybe next time!

17 Hours of Reflection

It began with me meeting Bob (I believe that was his name) who later kept repeating to me, "Now you'll get to tell your parents you sat next to a guy who looked like Santa Clause."  I didn't have the heart to tell him, I never believed in Santa Clause and I didn't really care.  He even made the mistake of talking to me too many times in the wee hours of the morning after I had just woken up after only sleeping for a few hours and then couldn't fall back a sleep.  Of course, we get right onto the Amtrack and begin talking and giving certain details of our lives. What I do, where I'm living, yada yada.  I of course ask what he does, he says, "Well he doesn't really work, I admit I gamble a lot.  But not enough that I have a problem.  I'm pretty good at it.  I know what I'm doing."  He explains more.  He goes on to tell me that he's just taking the train to Toledo (getting there in the morning also) then return to Baltimore later that same night.  Crazy right...all to just collect some money.  Weird!  After hearing that, I most definitely didn't pursue any more questions in fear of who really knew what else was going to come out of his mouth.  We sat there for a while, then some guy who looks like the blonde guy from Wayne's World came in playing some strange tunes about trains.  He was quite a strange one.

Time to reflect....that's all I could do.  All I could do is to think about my time in VS.  Is it what I had hoped it was suppose to be?  Am I experiencing my time to the fullest?  Is it everything I had wanted?  And now I am even asking

After watching a few hours of The Wire and eating, I decided I could try and fall asleep.  I went to my seat and hung out with my cool bench buddy, aka Santa Look-A-Like, talked and listened to my tunes, all the while trying to fall asleep.  When I was awake which was most of the time, he decided he should talk to me.  Wrong move.  I tried to be nice but no conversation with this guy was going to be good at 3 am after a total of 2 hours of sleeping and dozing in and out for about 3 hours.  Whatever.  Toledo came and he finally got off.  About 3 hours after he got off, it was my turn.  I got off the train to the bitter, cold Indiana weather.  Ah...Home!

Overall my Amtrack experience was ok.  It could have been better but o well.  The entire time though I did feel like i was on the set of White Christmas.  I should have started singing "Snow...It won't be long before we'll all be there with snow."

Last night (the 24th) my rents and I opened our presents.  That's tradition.  Make homemade pizza, open our presents, watch a movie or two, and then go to bed.  It's always perfect and I love every minute of it.  For a moment, I feel warm and fuzzy inside.  It's always just calm and perfect.  There's nothing else going on outside, it's just the three of us.  I enjoy that moment every year.  The mood just changes for approximately 15 or 20 minutes (depends on how much we give or how long it takes us).  Oh Christmas!

Today on Christmas, we had Christmas with my dad's side of the family.  The Yoder side is always interesting.  I always sit there and think, one day will I be sitting here with my boyfriend or husband and how awkward will this be for him or with him.  And every year, Grandma Yoder always makes us sing. I'm pretty sure it's not necessary but every year, we're all forced to sing whether we want to or not.  And every year, I think this sucks.  I hate singing.  But as soon we all start singing, I think this is beautiful.  Everyone sounds amazing, even though it's not the four part Mennonite harmony and everyone is trying, it sounds great.  I felt bad, today I was sitting there and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and imagine myself someplace else listening to the sounds, but when I would close my eyes I realized it looked like I was just sleeping, so I'd open my eyes again.  The music puts you in a trance and you just can't get enough.  Well I should get going.  More Christmas traditions.  Movie at 6.  I hope it's good.

Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday's (whatever floats your boat)

Love from Shipshe

Why Can't It Be Christmas All Year? --Rosie Thomas song

I'm finally excited about Christmas.  It's about time!!!  How exciting?  I'm listening to Christmas music and we decorated our Christmas tree and we even put up more Christmas lights in the hallway.  It's wonderful!  So at this moment, everything is perfect and I wish it was Christmas time all year.

Holiday in the city:

Down in Federal Hill

Washington Monument lighting and same night Beth was on the News Channel 11 at 11 pm. I watched it!

Friday, we checked out Hampden and saw where Father Christmas threw up.  34th Street in Hampden.

 

 The Volunteers of Baltimore (meaning the LVCers, BVSers aka The Germans, and MVSers) threw a Christmas party.  We had fun activities like a Gingerbread house contest, play-doh ornaments, and even caroling.  For the Gingerbread house making, K Team (pictured below) made this beautiful gingerbread house (pictured above).  We won The Bomb Ass Shit Category and we even won overall as the best one out of all four made.  It represents Baltimore because it's a rowhouse gingerbread house.  It was pretty creative.  Anyways, that's Kirsten and I showing off our prize (magic felt heart wand) and awesome house.

Last of all is our beautiful Christmas Tree, I decorated.  It's pretty ghetto (I know Beth, you don't like that word but oh well).  It looks good in the dark but not in the light.  HAHA  Anyways, "may your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmases be white."

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Love from BMore

Baltimore Police

Tonight Melissa and I had a nice adventure.  Maybe nice isn't the right word.  Anyways, we're walking home from work.  We stopped by the thrift store on North Ave.  We were done and started walking back, took a right up Linden Ave, walked past the shady corner with drug deals etc and right in front of the elementary school, I saw a car pull up, stop and a man get out of his vehicle.  He says something and then all of a sudden pulls out his badge and says "Baltimore Police."  What am I suppose to do now?  I freeze a little and get nervous.  Then he precedes to ask, where you ladies headed?  Of course we're heading home.  We've walked this street everyday for the past four months.  We tell him where we live and then he says, I can take you home.  Both Melissa and I are a little apprehensive about this because who rides in cars with strangers...evidently we do now, but he was legit in the end.  I felt pretty safe.  He asked what brought us to Baltimore, where we're from, laughed or smirked at us several times, and still somehow made me feel like I was stupid and incompetent to live in a city or "the Ghetto of the East Coast" (aka BMore) as the officer put it.  But still, it was just so random.  And now looking back, I would ask him what possessed him to stop and ask us what we were doing or where we were heading? 

Lately our neighborhood has gotten a bit more shadier, in the dark.  I've noticed more drug deals, and actually last Monday (Nov 30) there was a murder literally 2 blocks from our house.  Scary!  That was the day I was sick so I heard the sirens and saw commotion.  Life is just crazy sometimes.  You never know what's going to get thrown at you.  Anyways, that's my random story. 

Thank you officer for looking out for me.  I appreciate it.

Love from BMore

what gives them the right?

Right now, I'm sitting in my office at work frustrated and disappointed like always.  What gives a person the right to tell me that I'm insensitive?  Someone I am pretty sure I've never met or have talked to in my whole life was talking about me and how I'm not doing my job.  What in the world?

Here's the situation:
A client wanted to see his case manager but didn't know her name.  So he was trying to name a lot of different names and got directed to me, granted he was in the office up front, so I walked over and talked to him.  He asks do I remember him, of course I don't because I see and talk to at least 20 plus people everyday, and they aren't the same consecutive people everyday.  This lady sitting across from the client, said "that's sad that she doesn't even remember you."  And basically after that she began complaining and dissing the whole idea of social work and "The System".  Of course I hate it all too but what the heck, her whole conversation started because I couldn't remember 1 person. 

1.  She doesn't know me.  She doesn't know my job evidently.
2.  Me insensitive.  Obviously if you know me or if I've cried to you about something, I'm far beyond that and I know.  This is coming from the social worker with a BSW who cries after talking to clients who she can't help.  Who feels guilty for only being able to give phone numbers and then saying call me if you need more resources or if I can try and help in some other way. 
3.  After working here for only about 5 months, I've decided I hate working with the homeless because I can't do anything for them except try, then try again. And sometimes, they come calling for help and leave.  Why do I even try then?

So what gives this lady the right to judge me and critize me.  BAH!!!!!!!!  This world is messed up and it needs to change but how?  I'm only one person.  What can I honestly do?  There's too much......   For me what it all comes down to is, I hate this world and I hate the system.  It's all F-ed up!!  F it all!!

Infection of the Head

For the past week, I've have this horrible sinus junk going on in my head.  It's the worse ever.  First I had a temperature, which created a sore throat, it was horrible to swallow.  Then led to my right eye pussing or some sort of mucus coming out of it the next night.  The night after that lead to the left eye doing the same thing.  Then the next couple of nights, things progressively got worse but not horribly worse, I could still function.  Then came Sunday evening and I wanted to die.  Yup, I had the worse ear ache in my entire life.  I don't think I've ever remembered having ear aches or anything.  And I even have one tonight.  It's the worse feeling ever.  I absolutely hate it.  I hate being sick.  I ended up not going to work on Monday cuz I felt like shit and so I slept and went to a minute clinic to some random lady doctor who was a strange women with a thick East Coast accent.  It was all just strange.  And now I'm taking an antibiotic, putting eye drops in my not so red eyes anymore, sniffing a weird concoction of warm water, salt, and baking soda (strange once again), drinking lots of tea and water, trying to blow the mucus out, and trying to figure out a way to drain my ear without cutting it off or poking a hole or two into my head to clear the pressure.  Yup that's what I'd rather do.  Life might be better (but very painful I'm sure).  Now you understand the title of this entry.  It's a rough life being allergic to Baltimore (at least I'm pretty sure I am).

Well other than my current state of mind, life here hasn't been too eventful.  Just got back from Harrisonburg and wonderful Thanksgiving (pry the best in years).  All I've been doing is nothing and sitting in my room, listening to music and doing absolutely nothing.  I love it, not doing anything but lately I've realized, I need to be motivated.  I need to be busy.  But at the same time, I just enjoy doing nothing and just being.  So I'm stuck, what do I do?

I've thought about volunteering at an after school program literally a block away from where I live which would be good to get to know the community better.  I really want to get more involved in North Baltimore Mennonite Church but in a subtle, I'm sort of around but not fully committed way. Maybe I should work with the youth or children? Also getting involved with the small group that meets on Tuesday's evening.  I'd enjoy getting to know that group better.  Another new idea and basically it just takes the effort, I would like to learn a lot more about the HIV/AIDS community.  As a social worker, it's something I've been enjoying as I've talked to many case workers who work with this population on a daily basis.  Just getting out more in the evenings is a must like getting coffee with friends or just hanging out with others more.  I need to be that social butterfly that I know I am inside.  And last of all, I need to get more involved with Project PLASE, unfortunately a lot of the events that I wouldn't mind doing are while I'm doing something else.  Like there's a telethon that I could have helped at but we have the DC/BMore Christmas Party.  Can't do.  Makes me sad.  I heard I even have to miss the staff Christmas Party because I'll be in PA for the Crissman Wedding, that makes me sad too but I'm going to have fun anyways!!

So the real question is where is my fire?  I need a spark to get it going and that spark just isn't there.  I blame it on the depressed feelings and the short days.  Yup!  I hate winter because of that but can't wait for the first snow.

Basically now, I'm counting the days until I get to go home for one and half weeks.  I'm so excited and have so much I want to do.  I hope I can do it all.  That seems to be typical me, I probably will only do the bare minimum of everything I want to do, meaning, I might do like 3 things the rest of the time, I'll hang with the rents and watch movies, doing things on the internet, avoid the rents for a while, and then eventually find the friends I want to hang out with in the last 4 days I'm home because I was too lazy to pick up my phone and call them.  Yup once again that's what I do.  Oh life!

I'm pretty sure every time I write an entry, I always think I have nothing to write and then I just go on forever and then it gets too long.  So I'll end with some Thanksgiving Day pictures.  Enjoy!  Sorry for the length.

The Spread

Love from BMore!

Giving of Thanks

Here I am in Harrisonburg, one of the many places I have come to love, with people that I absolutely love.  This Thanksgiving was absolutely one of the best Thanksgiving's I have ever had.  For the past four years I've always gone to Hesston College but this year was the beginning of something new.  It feels absolutely amazing to see old friends, to hang out, talk about life, talk about the future, and to talk about current feelings and emotions.

Thanksgiving 2009:  Wonderful smoked turkey.  Delicious stuffing and mashed potatoes.  Pumpkin pie with butternut squash instead of real pumpkin.  Soft homemade rolls.  Some nice white wine.  And great conversation with old friends. And of course the typical question of the day: 
What are you most thankful for this year?
--Someplace warm to lay my head and great supportive family and friends.  I've seen too much to not feel thankful for them.

Welp, I should go!  I think we might venture out in the world known as Black Friday.  Dun dun duuuun.

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!  Enjoy the turkey, the leftovers, and all the goodness that goes along with the holiday.

Rootless Tree (may be too real for some)

Many of you may be wondering how I"m doing and by my last few entries it might just sound depressing or something.  I've just been strung out on emotions.  I have highs and lows all within a matter of minutes some days.  I feel bi-polar almost.  I've never felt so drained, so happy, so excited, so sad, or so frustrated, so angry all in a day's work.  It's depressing and too much.  But lately, that's what my days consist of.

Lately, I've been having wonderful mornings.  They are blissful and happy, very satisfying.  Then comes the afternoon and it just gets crazy.  Who know?  Seriously though, it sucks trying to help people, especially those who can't seem to grasp the idea that this is not a one way train.  It goes both ways, they have to help themselves also.  I can't do it all.  They need more help than I can give them.  I'm not a case manager.  My job is to place clients into a bed, and interview them to make sure they fit some sort of criteria, that's my job!

I do not get too upset a whole lot but lately, I have never been so frustrated with life and this world.  I hate when people hang up on me while we're on the phone because they are too stubborn to help themselves.  I hate when clients think I'm suppose to be the only person who can help them, when really, I don't have a case load because that would absolutely set me over the top.  I hate when I have to "sorry we don't have space. I can't help you today."  I hate to hear stories of how they're homeless, have no place to go, and somehow I'm suppose to help them.  Somehow in the midst of their troubles and frustrations, I have give them hope.  How the hell am I suppose to give hope, when I don't even know what to do?  And I definitely hate having to place clients onto my waiting list that are my age or sometimes younger.  One last thing that gets on my nerves is when client's leave a message and for some reason, they never leave a number.  How am I suppose to contact them?  And it gets better, they mumble, so I can't understand them and who knows what their name is.  Yeah those are the best days of my life. 

On Thursday I had a rough day.  Some lady demanded on the phone that I help her.  I was trying to tell her, I can't help you you have to call these numbers.  You have to go to these places to receive help.  And then I finally just said, I'll try.  I"ll call around.  I'll ask others and see what they can give me.  I went to my co-workers.  They were like, you call her back and give her the First Call for Help number.  I was like...ok.  And I needed that moral support from those ladies.  I was going crazy because of this one lady.  She had me so upset and so frustrated.  She was a crazy lady and what was I suppose to do?  I had no clue.  Thank goodness for social workers who have been at it for 15 plus years.  They are absolutely amazing.  They were a great sense of moral support.  I loved it. I complained later how I'm never going to be good at social work and they just laughed at me.  (Which I guess was reassurance but at the moment I just hated it all)  People like this lady make me hate Social Work and I never want to be a social worker or do anything with adults.  But I think certain adults would be great to work with, if only I worked with them. 

Wow that was a mouthful.  Sorry!

Let's just say that lately hasn't been the greatest.  But that's ok, I'm dealing.  I'm moving upward and onward.  Or at least trying.  I am actually just holding out for next Tuesday afternoon.  Next week is Thanksgiving and I'm going down to Harrisonburg, VA and I am super super excited to see my friends and to spend time with them.  I've already told Kim certain things I want.  It's just like going home but on a very different and strange scale.  I'm super excited.  I can't wait to just surround myself with these people I haven't seen in ages.  I want to feel that happiness again.  I want to feel that love again.  I want the holidays to come sooner than later.  I want to spend forever in the moment of great bliss and happiness.  I never want that to change.  I want to not worry about work, how I'm getting home for Christmas, or the stress of life.  I want to breathe in the fresh air of the country/city life of Harrisonburg.  I want to relax.  I want to just sit and be, that's truly want I want.

So something I've been dying to write about something lately.  I think about it a lot while I'm walking to or from work.

>:< Baltimore sights and sounds >:<

--A beautiful, bright sunrise.

--Shattered glass from broken bottles along the way.

--A neighbor walking out of their door to head to work.

--Parents dragging their children to school.

--The corner carry out store is buzzing with buisness.

--"The Boys" aka drug dealers hanging out at the corner waiting for business.

--The drug dealer saying his hello's to his regular customers (of course all the while passing the goods to the client).

--A used condom lying on the sidewalk near someone's house.

--Crushed beer cans lying around.

--A needle, who someone most likely used, nestled in between some stones along the side of a building.

--A huge Baltimore Rat hanging out by the trash cans.

--Someone's weave (fake hair) randomly along the sidewalk.  How in the world did it get there?

--Some random guy checking me out, calling me names, and in my mind, I want to yell Stop Harassing Women. I don't like and no one likes it.  SHOW SOME RESPECT. But it's definitely not appropriate, so I just deal and walk by.

--Walking home, I see the regulars standing in the median asking for money or a place to stay for the night, holding their signs.  What can I even do for them?

--Blue flashing lights that are suppose to indicate safety.  Ha, it only moved the drugs down to the next block.

--Hearing the sound of the #5 MTA Bus or the blaring sirens of the fire trucks, police cars, or ambulances that race past to go to the near by nursing home. 

--At the end of the day, I love sitting in my room, waiting on my day to end, watching the blue security cameras flash and the sun set with it's sunset pink, blue, and purple haze.

Just a regular day in Baltimore.  (Sorry if it's graphic, it's just a typical day, it's truly what I see)

Love from BMore

Life Lessons

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.
    Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.
     You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
     But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
     But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life,
     don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie.
     Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words
     ''In five years will this matter?”
26.  Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of
     anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day, miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
     we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

“Music is what feelings sound like.”

Some may not care about music, but lately music is the only thing that keeps me or any person here sane. Here's what I'm listening to these days, or these are just my favorites and yes, some are old but I still love them.

1. Burgandy Shoes by Patty Griffin
2. The Rake Song by The Decemberist
3. Dream by Priscilla Ahn
4. Daydreamer by Adele
5. Belle of the Boulevard by Dashboard Confessional
6. I And Love And You by The Avett Brothers
7. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been [Acoustic] by Relient K
8. How's it going to be? by Third Eye Blind
9. If You're Out There by John Legend
10. Another Horsedreamer's Blues by County Crows
11. I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
12. Awake My Soul by Mumford Sons
13. Sentimental Hearts by She & Him
14. Wonderwall by Ryan Adams
15. Be Careful by Patty Griffin

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

in the raw

I've turned into something I'm not.

How do I change that?  How can't I make myself the happy person I know I am?  How do I transform myself back to "normal" in a new setting and a new environment?  How do I change?
How do I help others realize differences between me and them?  How do I let them know what "normal" for myself is?  How do I let them know all of this without hurting their feelings?  Without cornering one person?  Without bringing out hardcore emotions?  How do I share my feelings with others without being threatened for my thoughts?  How do I protect my own feelings so I don't crush who  I am, what I believe?  How do I stay strong for myself?  How do  Iget past my feelings of frustration without doing any of this?  How do I do this gently, without crushing them?  Why do I have to realize that they may not be having fun?  Or they may not be enjoying themselves as much? Why do I have to feel guilty that I'm laughing and having a spendid time when they may not be or are having some internal issues and feelings?

Maybe it's the season?  Maybe it's the holiday time that just sucks everyone in?  Maybe it's the rain?  Maybe it's because I hate my job but I'm a volunteer, so I have to be there?  Maybe it's all just hard?  Maybe I just don't know how to deal with the problems I'm dealing with?  How am I suppose to try to help someone else and I"m even struggling?

Why can't I just find happiness?  Why can't I just be satisfied with this life, with my life?  Why can't I be ok with what God brings me?  Why can't I just deal?

BMore Lovin'

(Thanks to my housemate, Beth for the beautiful picture!)

Ms. Stanley

I've been working with this lady, her name is Erica Stanley.  I absolutely love everything about her.  She is such an inspiration.  She's everything I wish I was.  I wish I had the motivation to help others as much as she does.  I mean, yeah I'm a Social Worker but still this women does it all.

For Thanksgiving, she got 45 turkeys and she's going to be making a Thanksgiving dinner and making Thanksgiving baskets to give away.  She also has a mime ministry which just sounds fun.  I definitely want to see sometime that sometime before I leave Baltimore.  On top of that, she's an elder or some sort of pastor at her church.  She helps with different AIDS programs.  She helps run so many different programs up the wah-zoo!!

She's such a great influence.  She's told me about how she went through her rough times living in Boston.  And she's told me about her family, and her son who sounds amazing.  He's an only child and how he wants to be an inspiration to others in his father's family.  Everything about her Ms. Stanley's story just makes me happy and fills me great joy. 

She's a woman of faith, desire, and compassion.  She's a woman of great confidence.  She is a positive person even in the time of frustration.  She's got a great beautiful soul that I just want in my life forever.  If I knew I could work with her forever, even if it was here in Baltimore, I would do it.  I love to just walk back to her office and sit and listen to her talk about clients or something that she's involved with.  I love everything about her!  One day...I can't wait to have stories like every awesome Social Worker.  One day!

"You have to be naked and unashamed. You just have to be yourself, be real"

Erica and I were talking and  she loves dancing and doing random fun things like that.  And she said the most obvious thing but hearing it from her made me even happier.  She said "You have to be naked and unashamed just like Jesus was in his ministries."  Basically she was saying you have to be real.  You can't keep changing who you are just to please everyone.  You have to be the happy go lucky person you are all the time.  Why change when you don't like who are you when you change?  This is exactly what I needed to hear.  I needed to hear that I can be who I want to be.  I can think what I want to think.  I can believe what I want to believe.  So what do I believe then?  Are my actions appropriate?  How do I know?

Well this blogged turned into something completely different that I wasn't quite expecting at the end, but that's ok.

xoxo   Love from BMore

random

 Here's a random conglomeration of life so far in BMore.  Fun Times!  I didn't plan on putting these pictures up in this weird order.
-crazy housemates
-mural near a elementary school that's close by
-Photo shoot of housemate Melissa and I taken by Housemate Beth
-Beth and I
-Pictures of the same mural at the elementary school close by
-flowers at the near by conservatory in Druid Hill Park near the BMore Zoo
-The Lantern Parade in Patterson Park

There's a bit of BMore for ya!  Enjoy

Awake My Soul

I seem to be constantly reading someone else's blog everyday.  And with every blog, I think to myself, man I completely understand what they're looking for and what they are talking about.  I completely understand.  And then I think to myself, what am I looking for?  What's missing for me right now?  How is life going for me?

Everyday someone asks me how it's going and all I can really say, "Eh, it's going."  It's nothing special.  It's nothing important.  It's just going.  I get up, get ready, go to work, come home, read blogs (haha), either make dinner or read more blogs, eat, hang out, chill, then go to bed.  Same routine everyday.  And in the midst of all of that, nothing really gets me excited.  Nothing gives me that boost of energy that I'm looking for.  And lately I just feel like I want to be a normal adult, living in a small, quaint house, where I could sit in my living room, watching tv or movies while I'm blogging or just writing an e-mail to a friend I haven't talked to in a while.  And in my house the living room and kitchen would only be a few steps away from each other, so I could go and get that cup of chai tea that's been brewing on the stove for the past 5 minutes.  Yeah, right now, that's all I want.  I want a job I enjoy and get paid for and every once in a while friends would come over or we would go out.  That's what I need in my life right now.  But I have to deal with living in a big, cold house for the next year where I don't feel completely comfortable hanging out in the big living room because another housemate has seemed to take over with her school stuff.  Ugh...it's just painful.  I unfortunately am not the only who feels like this.  Some of (or maybe all) my fellow MVSers feels the same way I do.  I didn't think this would be a problem but over the past week, this just keeps running through my mind.  Maybe I'm just cold, and I'm somewhat lonely for old friends.

Lately it has been interesting, I'm not sure why it's happening but I won't complain, my room seems to be the central place everyone likes hanging out.  Not quite sure why.  Last night a friend of Aaron and Melissa's came over and when she got here, we were hanging out in my room of course, and she commented and asked if this was the living room.  We all giggled and said No.  But still, it's strange.  But I'm not complaining, I like it.  And I'm not much of a game person, so just hanging out, talking is just something that needs to happen and I enjoy that.  Even though our conversations aren't that deep but granted someday and one day they will be, I still enjoy our times together.  We seem to be warming up to each other very well which is comforting because we have a year to live together.

Well maybe I should comment about work.  It's still work.  Not my favorite job and it seriously makes me think about social work and is this something I really want to do with the rest of my life.  Or even what type of social work do I really want to do?  But I've said this before, and yes I'm going to repeat myself, I absolutely LOVE the women I work with.  They are such an inspiration.  Some of them have been at the bottom of the totem pole also and have worked themselves back up to the top and in the words of my fellow housemate/MVSer, "They are BEAUTIFUL people."  They are so great.  I've been helping Erica who works with the Shelter Plus Care program which works with Section 8 Housing and I absolutely LOVE her.  And I love how she tells me about what a great person I am and how I do soo much to help her.  She makes me feel so special and I'm so glad to be helping her.  I absolutely love her and my day is usually a rough one if she's not around.  She definitely knows how to make me loosen up and just relax.

Well my blog has seemed to come full circle, because mainly I don't know what else to talk about right now and plus I have to start getting ready for church or find something to eat.  I like how church starts later and that gives us time to just chill before hand.  I guess we should be doing more with the church but none of us seemed to want to get too involved right now.  It's hard for me to think about getting involved now because (as of right now) I'm only living here for a year and then after that I'm leaving, which is even a shorter amount of time than I had at Hesston or Harrisonburg.  I wasn't even involved with church while I was in college, well I sort of got involved then I was done.  But still I struggle with placing roots when I'm not sure if I'm going to stick around.  Maybe it's a fear.  Or maybe it's just because I don't know where my next adventure will take place.  I'll go with the second answer.

More Love from BMore

GED Program

Today was a great day because I realized how exciting learning is for others.  So at PP there is a GED program that a group of women have been going through for the past year (give or take).  Today they had a GED Ceremony for those who passed the 4th Session.  It was so great to hear about how excited they are to learn about nouns, verbs, learning how to read and how to be a positive influence on their children and grandchildren.  It's strange that I've just taken learning for granted and as I was sitting there, I realized how much I hated learning about those things in school and I just hated it all.  But they love it.  How strange?  And even though what they were doing seemed so simple and easy to me, they were big deals for these women and I was proud of them.  I don't even know them or talk to them but I'm just really proud of them and their achievements.  They are truly amazing women with the greatest desires and passions that I just strive to have.  If only I had that drive sometimes!

"Down in a local bar
Out on the boulevard
The sound of an old guitar
Is saving you

Don't turn away
Dry your eyes, dry you eyes
Don't be afraid
Keep it all inside, all inside
When you fall apart
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Life is always hard
For the Belle of the Boulevard"
--Belle of the Boulevard by Dashboard Confessional

Love from BMore

Accomplished One Fear: Parallel Parking

I've always hated driving in cities because of one major main issue, I hate parallel parking.  This weekend, I've overcome my fear/frustration.  I actually did it and it was great!  I like the feeling of accomplishing something like this, even though it's something little, I've done it and I know I can do it. 

Kim came up this weekend from Harrisonburg so we had a great time, talking, hanging out, tripping to IKEA, and it was just great to see a familiar face who knows me in a different way.  I love how our relationship is always like we left it.  We are still silly and funny and just straight up crazy, but that's who we are! 

Welp I'm not going to write a lot but just filling you in on my life!  Good times!  Love from BMore!

"I'm Just A Volunteer."

2009 Theme for Mennonite Volunteer Service Baltimore Unit:    I'm just a volunteer.

That's seems to be the topic in our MVS Unit.  HA!  It's a great one too because now we've heard about it in other units too.  It doesn't make me feel so horrible anymore.  I suppose that's just how life goes.  Yup, that's life!

So what have I been up too?

-Sunday we went to the Lantern Parade (I'll get pictures sometime soon, promise).  They were interesting and pretty fun!

-Had dinner at our unit directors house.  It was amazing and delicious.

-Took music from my housemates computer and I love it!  New favorite at this very moment is Adele.  Love her!

-I may have to move to a different room.  It's not definite yet.  German's might move in (I'll fill you in about that outcome). 
-I still absolutely love all the black women I work with.  They show sooo much compassion and they truly do care.  I love the ladies I work with.

Well tata for now.  I must go to dinner.  Much love from the East Coast!
Pictures and More of a better update later!

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller

Life.  Crazy crazy life.  This week was actually busy for me, that's a new concept for me.  I usually haven't been busy much at all but it was strange.  I've been helping with the Shelter plus Care part of Project PLASE.  I know nothing about Shelter plus Care and the lady who normally does stuff, was on vacation this last week and we have orientation meeting next week.  I just found out a lot about Project PLASE this last week.  First thing I found out is that I don't like how no one talks to each other in the agency.  What happened to teamwork?  I hate how they just assume I know what they are talking about or they knew I was helping them.  I know nothing.  People need to learn to talk to others and let them know they are helping out here etc.  No one can just assume.  But of course that's not going to happen.  Second, I hope to never become one of those crazy old white lady's who works at a non-profit organization.  They all seem to be a little strange.  But they are definitely great people.  Third, I've learned that I absolutely love the people I work with no matter how crazy they are.  Everyone is so supportive and willing to help I absolutely love it. 

Seriously though, nothing exciting is going on here in BMore.  We're starting to get into a routine.  We work.  We eat.  We sleep.  We find time to do random things every once in a while.  We have time to talk and be satisfied.  We dream about what we really want our room to look like and some even do it (ok only two have dreamed and painted, hopefully they won't get in trouble, haha).  We do what we do!

I've decided and may have already said this, but I like BMore.  There isn't much to offer but it's not too big but it's not too small.  This town has a lot to offer, most I haven't found yet but I like it.  I love the neighborhoods.  They are all unique and interesting and yes even in the nice neighborhoods, there is bad stuff going on there too but who cares.  You can't live in fear always, I'd never have fun then.  But yeah, BMore is great.  Love it!  People are great.  What a great start to a new beginning, of course give me more time, I'll find something wrong, I'm sure.  But I guess I might change one thing about where we live, I wish we were closer to things like restaurants.  We are quite a few blocks away from anything so that kind of sucks but still I enjoy our neighborhood.

My personal favorite thing about our neighborhood is the few number of white people that live here in Reservoir Hill.  So in the mornings when we're walking to work or in the evenings when we're coming home, it's great to just see a bunch of white people and think, oh there are white people who live on this street or in this neighborhood.  Strange?!?!  This last week on Thursday while Melissa and I were walking home from work, we got to the second block of Linden Street and I saw a few white people sitting on a porch.  All of a sudden out of no where we see 7 heads pop up over the ledge.  I felt like a foreigner being stared at by Amish people.  It was funny and strange.  Very strange but very funny! 

Well I should get going.  Sometime, I promise to just put pictures up.  Yeah I know you'll enjoy!  I'm a slacker but I didn't have a camera or liked the camera I had but no fear, I have a new camera to document all my exciting or "daring adventures".   Gotta run. Take care!
--Love Ya'll
PS I've been here for only 70 days.  How strange?  Seems like forever but it's not even close!

Short and Sweet

Life is rough.  Yeah yeah I know this but man, I just can't believe what some people go through.  I'm so thankful for my friends, my family, and for everyone I know who truly cares about me.  And another random side note, if we're friends now and things fall apart between know that if you're going through a rough and difficult time, I will and would be there for you at time day or night.  No one ever deserves to go through a horrible time alone, and even if we are "strangers" and totally different people than when we were friends, know I will be there. 

"The whole world is moving, but I'm standing still...The night is here and the day is gone...And the world spins madly on"  I guess that's it, the world spins madly on in the midst of this crazy mess and frustrating time.  I just have to tell myself that God will always be there even in the midst of my troubled, heartbreaking moments.  Those are times I can not control and I can only do so much.

If I only I could do more!

Charmed City Life

Here's a list of the latest things I've done and for the most part enjoyed.

1. Visited Delaware shore with the parents. (see picture @ below)

2.  Found where Charm City Cakes is.  Later met someone who Duff nodded to.  OMG!  How exciting?!?  (see picture @ left)

3.  Met more volunteers here in Baltimore!  I've met Lutherans, Brethren, AmeriCorps Vista, Jesuites, Mercy Corps, Project Serve (they're Catholic)....the list could go on but so far I've met those people.  It's exciting!
4. Hampden is my new favorite neighborhood in BMore.  It's just north of our place and very fun and also where I had my first fish tacos that were absolutely delicious!!

5.  Watched the Baltimore Marathon for a while.  Ran across the road to get to the market through them.  It was funny!!!

6.  Had spinach ice cream and it was really good.

7.  Heard the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (BSO).  They were really good!  And it was free.  And we knew someone who was singing in the choir that sang along with them.

8.  I have a host family at church.  They should be lots of fun!

9.  I work with the best people in the entire world.  They are so friendly, caring, and great role models. 

Yup those are a few of the things that have happened just in the last 2 weeks or that last time that I wrote on this blog, which I think was 2 weeks ago.

Work is ok.  It still sucks to turn down people and tell them we have a waiting list.  They all sigh and then get angry.  But it’s not my fault they are living on the streets.  Where is there family?  Do they not have some sort of support system?  Obviously, I sound harsh, that is just the bitter person inside of me coming out.  Some people even live with their families but they live in such horrible conditions or there just isn’t enough room, or something and that’s why they can’t stay there.  Oh…it’s the most annoying thing ever.  And then there are people who don’t want a bed that’s available because of the neighborhood.  Now, why did they even want to be placed on to the waitlist then?  I just do not understand.  It makes me upset though!  I find that to be the most frustrating thing in the world.  Ah World….

The city is great.  I am enjoying it!  I still don’t feel comfortable to go too far on my own unless I was determined to get somewhere, then I'm positive I could do it!  Here's a view from outside our living room.   We live in a fairly nice neighbor.  Like I had mentioned in previous posts you never know what a neighbor is like, it changes from street to street.

And here is what many people may be waiting for, a picture of my hosuemates, the other MVSers.  We are quite the bunch.  This is when we went out to eat at Holy Frijoles con mis padres (the resturant is called Holy Frijoles and we were with my parents).  It was a good time.  That was our first time in Hampden, we like it there!

I should sign off.  Take care!
Lots of Love from BMore!

Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

A lot has happened in just a few short weeks.  All of my housemates are here.  I'm sort of liking my job but it's a job.  I'm still learning the city.  And I'm beginning to like Baltimore.

My housemates and I went an Orioles game last Friday night.  Unfortunately, the Orioles lost to the Red Sox.  But it was still great to hang out with my housemates in the nose bleed section.  The rest of the weekend was just a time of hanging out.

Work is stressful, frustrating, and sometimes just gratifying (ok it's only happened once).  I've found the field of Social Work is exactly how everyone has described it, lots of work.  I have my days where I feel like this is not for me and then other days where I feel like it's the most gratifying job ever.  Placing people into beds is the most stressful part of my job, but that's where the gratifying part comes into play also.  This one time, I place a gentleman and he was so thankful for that available bed that he called me several times just to thank me.  That was so great!  I felt so good at the time.  And even thinking about it now, I still get all giddy and happy about it.  That was the greatest feeling ever.  And now I feel like I'm starting to get into the routine of things.  I get all giddy when I find a client to fill a bed.  I get all giddy when things begin to fall into place.  I get all giddy when I actually feel like I'm "pretending" to help a person just by giving them resources which never feels like much.  I'm just such a young Social Worker who really doesn't know anything.  I'm just learning as I go.  But one great thing is the fact that everyone I come into contact with has been telling me what a great job I'm doing...and I don't even feel like I'm doing anything worth while half the time.  That's just the crazy life I live.  So needless to say I'm thankful to have a soft bed to fall asleep in.  I'm thankful for a warm shower.  I'm thankful for a supportive family network.  And I'm even more thankful for so much and all these years I've just been taking it for granted.  I've always known that I was so thankful for the things I've been given but not until now have I realized how important it to actually follow through with my actions.

The city!  It's been interesting.  I've adjusted pretty well to city life.  The weekends are still time for exploring but it's been fun thus far.  But luckily I enjoy just chilling here in the house too and not doing a single thing.  That's just me of course.

So basically I'm learning to live and love!

"No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth,
how can I keep from singing?"
---I just absolutely love this song and I saw it on my housemate's wall. 

Goodbye for now
Love from Balmer

Don't Stop Believing

Friday was a tough day for me at work.  Social Work is a rough field.  UGH! I felt like I should have helped this client more, but what else was I suppose to do.  Literally after she left I just broke down.  It just hit me like a ton of bricks.  What was I suppose to do?  I gave her resources for other facilities.  We contacted them there in the office.  What else could I do?  Honestly....what?  Luckily, I had a wonderful new friend who doesn't do the same type of work sit near me.  She comforted me and told me I did what I could and that's all that matters.  Ahh....life!  I'm so thankful to have the great support system full of family & friends.  I'm so thankful to have a roof over my head and food on a table.  I definitely have taken that all for granted.  So it was tough but thank goodness for co-workers who convinced me that it's ok, I did what I had to do. 

Something my housemate and I started watching is this HBO show called The Wire.  It's great so far.  We just finished season 1 and it's absolutely crazy!  It takes place here in Baltimore and for the most part many of the characters are based on real people.  So everything about this show is Baltimore.  Everytime they reference someplace we know, we just look at each other and say how weird it is because we know where they are talking about.  It's really creepy when they reference our street and neighborhood.  That's when it gets a bit shady!  But overall, the show is absolutely amazing.  They give us a perspective on what Baltimore is all about.  The first season was about the drug trafficking/distribution/use.  It was very interesting.  And unfortunately most of this show takes place in West Baltimore, and that's where we live.  Which doesn't mean that drugs are only on the West Side, they are on the East Side too (they are everywhere).  It's definitely been intersting.

Labor Day weekend hasn't been too eventful.  We've done a lot of hanging out though.  I got my membership to the free library downtown on Saturday.  It's huge and exciting!  Friday night, Aaron and I went out for Sushi.  Sunday we checked out the local park and found out there was a party going on there.  That was fun!  They had music (battle of the dj's), food, and lots of people.  Today I don't know what we'll do.  I don't have to work though that's nice. 

Well I should go and get ready for my day.  Maybe a little workout, maybe a little grocery shopping.  And then later tonight, we meet our new housemate!  Woo-Hoo!!

Lots of Love from BMore

I'm Alive

It's been 13 1/2 days since I arrived here in, what seems to always be rainy, Baltimore. Yup practically 2 weeks. I've lived in this city of Baltimore. It's been interesting so far. Nothing too exciting has happened.

Topic 1: Work
I've been working or someone has been training me and on Friday was my first official day on my own. It wasn't too bad. I've met 2 great girls that aren't VSers but work with AmeriCorp Vista and I've enjoyed talk to them while at work and sort of getting to know them a bit. They are pretty great. The others I work with have been very supportive also and they have been wonderful! I've enjoyed laughing with them and getting to know them a bit more. They are wonderful people.
Some of you may be wondering exactly what I do. Well I'm not sure I can really explain it very well but I'll try. Overall background, I work at Project PLASE (People Lacking Ample Shelter and Employment). They provide transitional housing for homeless and along the way help them by providing any type of resources they may need. I work as the wait list coordinator. My job is pretty vital. When they come in for the first time or talk to someone, I'm the first person they see or talk to about our program. That pretty much makes me the face of Project PLASE. So I would do an intake interview of some sort either by phone or face to face and before that I have to tell them there is waiting list to get into one of our 62 beds that aren't available. Yeah exciting right. I get their hopes up just to crush them because I don't know how long the wait will take. It could take a couple of weeks or even a couple of months. Who knows when! And there are at least 500 some people on this list. That's a lot of people and all of them are not even active. Some of them have not been in contact with us for the past year. It's just crazy. So I'm in charge of that place sort of running because if they have an available bed at a unit, I have to fill it. That's sort of nerve racking. But yeah...that's my job.

Topic 2: Baltimore (BMore)
Baltimore has been very intersting. I'm just going to be honest, yeah I've been the minority before but not this much. Today was intersting cuz there was a block party and there was a parade that came through. They all call themselves a marching band. BUT they only had people playing drums and then had girls and some guys dancing along with it. It was awesome. It was just very intersting. And it gets werider, mainly because I was thinking this, but Black or African American women are amazing. They have such guts and glory. There were some plus size women out there exposing their stomachs and looking and feeling totally confident. I wish I had that. Why in our White culture, we only see the ugliness of it? I mean yeah, I don't want to be stereotyped as obese but yet why should I not feel sexy and confident about myself and who I am. Yeah I may not have a boyfriend, but that's ok, I'm still a woman who has everything going for her. I'm happy and somewhat satisfied with the way I'm living my life. I've learned a lot in just the 2 short weeks I've lived here in BMore. I'm pretty sure every girl struggles with their physical appearance and yeah I'm obviously still struggling but that's part of living, learning, growing. So yeah....
I might have mentioned before or some just know but right now, I have 1 housemate, Aaron. We've been having fun so far. Well as much as we're going to have I think with it just being the 2 of us. Last weekend, we went out to eat at a place called Joe Squared and it was delicious. We had a pizza. Then after that, we walked it off and walked down to Mount Vernon area and up through Bolton Hill. It's pretty intersting. It's gorgeous that's for sure. The houses are the perfect Out East homes that I think of when I think of Out East. They are built with the beautiful stone like bricks and then have gorgeous and tons of ironwork on the doors and windows that my dad would just absolutely love. I'll definitely have to take them down that way when they come to visit me again. It's just absolutely beautiful. And then we hung out at home last Saturday, just like this Saturday because it's been rainy and we went out the night before. Last night we went to a movie. It's nice to get out every once and a while.
So there's a lot to do here and we haven't even done a lot yet. I think we're more waiting for the others to get here. We don't want to leave them out of too much but we've definitely found things to do. It's exciting! And it's nice to just get to know Aaron and hang out.
We also joined the local YMCA which is great cuz it only costs $25 a month (that's like $1 a day). And we get to join classes for free. That's exciting too! I'm super excited about that!!!! Another thing we did last weekend was the Book Thing. Basically we walk in, look for books we might want, take them and leave. You don't have to pay for them. It's that awesome. There are
definitely things to do here! :D
PS We don't have air conditioning, so it's hott all the time here in our house. But it's a fun house. There are lots of people to hang out with. They are funny, intersting, and just great people. I can't wait to hang out with them more. We've had great conversations thus far! We'll see how it ends up!

Topic 3: North Baltimore Mennonite Church (NBMC)
Last Sunday was my first Sunday at NBMC. It was intersting. I don't know if it was just because people might have been on vacation but there weren't a lot of people there. It seemed like a small church but yet very intersting. I'm always nervous around new people and that night we also went to someone else's house for dinner. It was sort of fun, sort of awkward because I didn't really make much of great conversation. Or least I feel like that. I was just really tired and just exhausted so I hope tomorrow goes a lot better. But yeah....I've already met 2 younger couples. They seem really awesome. Hopefully we'll hang out with them if they aren't too busy. So that should be intersting. We also have to go to church retreat. All I have to say is that it better be good.

Topic 4: Service
It's intersting to think this is service. It doesn't feel like it right now. I know I'm serving a population that doesn't have much of anything but it just feels like work right now. I don't see the service in it yet. But it will come! I see how I'm sort of helping but God definitely hasn't fully opened my eyes to all that yet. But it will come just like the field of dreams! HAHA

Well maybe I should sign off for now. I've written a lot even though there's a lot running through my mind right now. It's just too much and not worth writing about at this point. There will be more later. Sorry it got really long also. There was just a lot like I said. Take care all!

PEACE

"Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight
This motor's caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I'm alive and well
And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
Now I'm alive and well
Yeah I'm alive and well"
--I'm Alive by Kenny Chesney feat. Dave Matthews

Magnificent Adventure: Day 3

Let The Journey Begin

Today was my 3rd day in Baltimore. It's been interesting.

--I hate that I have to learn where everything is here in the city, like I've had to learn every two years. That's the worse part about moving somewhere new but thus far it's been great.

--I've gotten to know other people who live in this intentional community.

--I've hung out with one of my housemates, Aaron, and it's going good so far too.

--I've started my official job now and it's just crazy. I feel like I'm not qualified to do any job but for some reason, I must be.

So that's life in a nutshell. We went on a shopping excursion last evening...very interesting! And tonight I'm having dinner at my LCP or LPC's house (not sure what it stands for or the correct name). But life so far has been pretty good.

Keep praying! I'm still nervous!

Am I there yet?

MVS Orientation began Monday afternoon. It was awkward and I was not looking forward to it at all. But thank goodness it turned out to be one of the best weeks of my summer. We talked about everything it seems. Rascism, culture, etc etc. Yeah it's important stuff but 1. I never can seem to get my point across when we discuss things in groups because of my lack of great communication skills and 2. I just wasn't looking forward to the whole orientation process in general. But whatever because in the end it ended up to be a great week. I met new people and made great friends. It was even great to reconnect with old friends again. We had such a wonderful time.

One of the highlights was definitely meeting 2 of my housemates. That made things seem easier. It helps that I have a connection to one of my housemates through friends and because of location. I love the Mennonite world. A second highlight was the new friends. It's weird for me to think that I only lived 20 minutes from Goshen and I can meet someone else who knows most of my friends but we never knew each other. That always creeps me out, it's just strange.

And the end of the week was absolutely amazing...there was a band camp there which wasn't that exciting. They actually pissed us off half the time because of their annoying sounds and squeaks. But I had heard they would have a dance party and once I heard that, I knew it had to be crashed. So 5 of us decided we wanted a good time. It was the best part of the entire week. We had so much fun dancing the night away or just for 1 1/2 hours but that made the whole week the best week ever. Then this morning was sad because we had to say goodbye to new friends, that always sucks though.

But now comes the challenge, the nervous feelings. I'm not nervous of moving into the unit house, I'm more nervous about starting this new job. What do I expect? What if I'm too nieve and become to vulnerable? Then what?

Ok God, work your magic. Calm the storm inside my heart!



Random Information: (If you're interested)
I will be living here --> http://rhhp.blogspot.com/
I'll be working here --> http://www.projectplase.org/
And let me know if you see or hear of anything exciting that I and my fellow housemates should do while we stay there in Baltimore for the next year.

Going Out With My Boots On

Music is such great therapy. It's always there for you and it's just down right relaxing. It puts you in whatever mood you want to be in. It just makes you move inside and out. It can describe you. It is just the best stuff ever! Ahh.....

Tonight I've got a feeling it's going to be a good good night. I'm excited we're going to Cowboy Up again. Ah...it's the best time ever. It's great to hang out with people who I don't know really well and can just have a grand old time with. It's so much fun!! But unfortunately because I'm leaving for Baltimore, I won't be able to go much anymore. I guess we'll just have to make it all up when I get back. I think I would stick around Indiana just to hang out with these people. They're amazing and so much fun. They made my last month at home absolutely amazing and so much fun!! It just makes me not want to leave. Oh well....they'll be more opportunities. :D

So yeah there hasn't been much of anything going on here. It's been pretty boring. Just chilling, listening to music, reading books, or watching Friends (cuz I don't seem to have too many). It's all good though. Almost the end of a good summer. 2 weeks, Let the countdown begin.

:: Dream ::

"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest swing. I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream That I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream.
Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream." --Dream by Priscilla Ahn

Tonight it just hit me...I'm alone. All my friends are getting married or are married. How strange? And here I am somewhat content with just living my life single and free. I have plans. I have things I would love to do. I know things but yet in the midst of all these great things, I can't find happiness when I look all over Facebook and see all those friends getting married or their wedding pictures. Don't get me wrong, they are gorgeous pictures and I'm so happy for them but why can't i just be happy? Why do I feel like I have to have these things too (marriage, a special someone)? But I don't, right?

This song somehow just spoke to me. "Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep." It's all in God's hands. I keep playing the song over and over and it just makes me happy. I have a dream. I will one day achieve those dreams.

At the end of the song it says, "Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream." I want that. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to enjoy everything about it. And that means I should be excited about spending the weekend with my cousins and their kids at the lake and I will be happy. That isn't me forcing myself to be happy, I truly am excited about it, but sad I don't get to hang out with friends before one of my last weekends home. But I just want to find that happiness. I know I'm happy and satisfied but I want to truly be happy and satisfied with life. I wish I could just know one thing in my life. Knowing if I'd be happy would be the one thing I'd like to know. But of course, I can't know any or all of that.

In actuality, I guess this whole sob story of a post has to do with missing friends. I miss them. None of them seem to be near and it's frustrating and when they are, we're all too busy, too exhausted, or just to dang worried about other things. I understand, I do it to. And of course on top of all of that, I'm worried about leaving and not seeing some people for at least four months or even more.

God give me strength. Give me courage. Give me peace of mind it will be just fine.